Feel with Neil

Dark night of the soul (11) – “You will be OK.” Even your ego.

[2.5 minute read]

“You will be OK.”
“You are a good person.”

I believe these two expressions to be the very best things trusted love ones can say in the midst of suffering grief.

“It gets better.”
“You will get stronger.”

I believe these may be the worst. Things get better, until they get worse again. And they will. So hearers beat themselves up even more, and feel weaker – not stronger. Such well-meaning encouragement gets resented, then habitually rejected as hollow lies.

I suggest encouragement be left at, “You are a good person,” because even that is an obviously questionable generalization. I don’t believe an honest person believes they are good all the time, in all ways – especially in the midst of suffering grief. The truth sets you free, not belief in impossibilities – the opposite of truth.

Now, to turn to, “You will be OK…”

You can be OK even through the next adversity. You can be OK even knowing that sometimes you are not so good.

It is ego which longs to see your flawed humanity as better, stronger, more independent. You certainly will NOT be OK if you continue to hear only your ego. Grief and suffering – if you do not run from them or deny them – lead to hearing your full self more fully, don’t they?

You are immersed in a dark night of the soul because the monkey-chatter of your ego voice has proved insufficient for the full you.

Denial is fueled by ego chatter. When your fuller being burns out that fuel, the world seems dark. Ego-talk recedes from your attention, so the full you is freer to hear gentler whispers from your soul. That is what makes the dark night, OF your soul.

“You will be OK,” because the full you is always OK. You will be OK only as you come to believe that you are so much more than your ego. Quite ironically, even your ego can then be OK, knowing it is an unthreatened dimension of your fully being human.

Anxiety stems from the undeniable powerlessness of your ego – which cannot control the world. Your ego cannot even control the full you, nor must it – quite a relief to your limited ego.

You will be OK, as you come to believe you are. Whether better or stronger in one moment, or worse and weaker in another, you are enormous. Full. Complete. That doesn’t vary.
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Neil D. 2023-04-17

What is “Dark night of the Soul?” Almost always misused and misunderstood. See Dark Night of the Soul (0) – Resources & Recommendations

To my subscribers, the most viewed article is…

Thank you for your interest in FeelWithNeil. Very much. It began in late 2019, it’s now April 2023, and 3,900 visitors have viewed 8,970 pages.

The #1 viewed article (viewed more than twice as many times as #2):
“Brené Brown & Richard Rohr on Power” from August 14, 2021.

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Neil D. 2023-04-09

Einstein mis-quote on solving problems and levels of consciousness, thinking, awareness

“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.”
[NOT Albert Einstein]

“…a new type of thinking is essential if mankind is to survive and move toward higher levels.”
[Albert Einstein, May 25, 1946, The New York Times]

The first quote is thrown around, but he never wrote it. It’s a paraphrase of the second, actual quote, from a very intriguing context about his fear of nuclear annihilation, “ATOMIC EDUCATION URGED BY EINSTEIN; Scientist in Plea for $200,000 to Promote New Type of Essential Thinking.” (https://www.nytimes.com/1946/05/25/archives/atomic-education-urged-by-einstein-scientist-in-plea-for-200000-to.html). The paraphrased sentence is:

“We need two hundred thousand dollars at once for a nation-wide campaign to let the people know that a new type of thinking is essential if mankind is to survive and move toward higher levels.”

For more wonderful quotes misattributed to Einstein: https://en.m.wikiquote.org/wiki/Talk:Albert_Einstein#Unsourced_and_dubious/overly_modern_sources

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Neil D. 2023-03-29

“I’m not perfect, but…”

Has not your greatest suffering emerged from your greatest relating-ships? Your closest acquaintances?

When you share your exhaustion, frustrations, and suffering with them, and all they can offer is simple fixes, simple quips or platitudes… You weren’t looking for answers, so it insults you. To be trivialized (or worse, dismissed or rejected) by our closest loved ones is easily the most painful.

Now, reflect on that, and reflect that – meaning, isn’t that the same for them?

Can you not bear the possibility that you have been the deepest source of suffering for your loved ones? Does that not seem preposterous to you?

“Well, no, Neil, I’m not perfect, but…”

That implies you are more perfect than your loved ones; might I ask, if they are so inferior, so imperfect, why are [were] they your loved ones?

Good night, loved ones 🙂

Neil D. 2023-03-23

You can only give what you have

You can only give what you have.

If that’s untrue, tell me how.

If that’s true, tell me why you promise more than you can give. Tell me why you promise more than you have.

Tell me.

Does it involve your ego?

You can only give what you have.

If that’s true, tell me why you expect more of yourself than you can give yourself. Tell me why you expect more of yourself than you have.

Tell me.

Does it involve your ego?

I would encourage you, however, not to be too hell-bent on reigning in your ego. And here’s why…

How are you to be content with promising to give only what you have?

Must you not come to believe that what you have is not only enough, but more than enough?

What you can give to yourself and others is quite enormous.

The ego is neutral, neither good nor bad. The ego is not the person. Your ego is not you. It is a marvelous source of “information” to you, but it is not the only source, because you are not only your ego. You’re much more enormous.

If you attempt to give what you do not have in order to feed your ego, here are two very hard truths to swallow: (1) You are acting from your ego, not your heart. (2) Nobody wants or needs your ego. Except you.

Everyone else already has their own ego. What they want to experience from you is all the other parts of you except your ego. They want to see your soul, and they want their soul to be seen by your soul. If you want to give only what you have, and want to believe that what you have is enormous, it seems essential to know both your ego and your soul.

I am convinced we all sense our fakeness, that we have acted so much from our ego for so long, that we are not authentic. If you aren’t convinced of that, then I ask you to tell me again. Is it not impossible to actually give more than you have?

We know with some form of certainty that our ego is not enough for our own self.

No one likes to see how much their ego has actually controlled them. No one is thrilled to see their reflection in the mirror of hypocrisy. When we look in that mirror with honest eyes – when we see our ego for what it is – it can make us angry and make us hate our own ego.

Yet, if you are to come to believe that what you have to give is plenty – to know how enormous your power is – you cannot jettison your ego. It has its role to play. Do not neglect it, Do not hate it.

Lift it up into your tender arms and carry it with you.

The full you will not be comfortable leaving that part behind.

See what it is that you can honestly give of yourself. It’s no small thing. Because you aren’t.

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Neil D. 2023-03-11

A quintessential journal prompt from Brennan Manning

It’s nearly my birthday – a time of being asked what I want…

Brennan Manning’s book, The Furious Love of God, has 2 reflection questions at the end of each chapter. Here’s an excerpt and one that I think might be a quintessential journal prompt for fascinating responses to the very same question over time:

In the presence of the king, don’t ask for small gifts… One day Jesus was walking down the road in Galilee and the blind man, Bartimaeus, called out, ‘Jesus, Son of David, have pity on me!’ The apostles tried to hush him up. But he cried louder, ‘Jesus, Son of David, have pity on me!’ Jesus stops, turns, and asks, ‘What do you want?’ Without hesitation, the blind man says, ‘I want my sight!’ And Jesus says, ‘Your faith has saved you.’…

…If Jesus were to ask you, right now—what do you want?—what would you say? Seriously, what would your answer be?

My answer today, right after reading the book, anyway:

To hang out with you for all of eternity. To party and dance with you, to sit with you and cry for me, for you, for all of our brothers and sisters whenever they want to be seen and heard, for Our Father… To be in union with your love, dripping and swimming and drowning in it, with all our sisters and brothers, over and over and over, in laughs and sobs, tears and smiles, never-ending. Perhaps what I want is what I have.

Neil D. 2023-02-25