Coffee emotions manifested
Theology, kids, mom beer on a plane
A half hour earlier, I shared with friends and fam, “Work went horribly yesterday. This AM I’ve seen so many excited kids at the airport, I can’t help but be cheerful. If only we could all be as in-the-moment and full of awe as children are❤️.”
Now, in row 23, a couple asked if I’d give up my aisle and move to row 20. Hmm, a cramped window seat. My mood was wonderful, so, “Ok.”
I disrupted a woman on the aisle to let me to the window. We buckled. Across the aisle, the TV didn’t work, frustrating her 5-year-old daughter who wore a rainbow tie-dye mask, earphones with glitter, bright pants with unicorns, and mismatched socks. I saw her in the terminal, gleefully toting a cute little black-sequined backpack. I learned later they were heading to grandparents they’d just seen over Christmas, but they usually drove the 10 hours, so this was a kids’ treat. Dad and two other kids stayed home.
For the TV fail, a flight attendant offered mom points, a menu drink… She chose beer.
She asked me, “You an Irish fan?” from my sweatshirt. She went there too. I asked what she studied. Theology!
“You?”
Biology. 3 credits short of a theology minor:)
Her husband – met there – finance, with a theology minor.
At a different place, she got a theology Ph.D. in ecclesiology and church-as-sacrament. Still teaches there for adult continuing education, and is a mission director for a high school.
The family shuffled seats to get the youngest in front of a working a TV. Dr. Mom opened her laptop to work. The son, probably 8 or 10, settled beside me as I held his Canada Dry.
“I’m Neil. What’s your name?”
James.
“That’s a cool name; you like it?”
Nod. Who’s this weirdo stranger danger.
“James, I got 3 little sisters. They can be a pain.”
Wordless smile.
I chose Cheezits.
Since they didn’t have chips, James chose them too. Put his headphones back on, back to TV.
I smiled under my mask, ear to ear, a teardrop fell my mask’s ridge.
My goodness, kids rock.
.
Neil D. 2023-01-13.
Friday the 13th is an awesome day
Worthy Because You’re You
You’re not worthy because of anything you’ve done
You’re not worthy because of new friends/partners who like you
You’re not worthy because of a promotion or new job
You’re not worthy because of social media Likes
You’re not worthy because of love from friends/family
You’re not worthy because of your achievements
You’re not worthy because of boundaries you enforce
You’re not worthy because of inner strength you’ve developed
You’re not worthy because of your assertiveness or your vulnerability
You’re not worthy because of your resilience, learning, and growth
You’re not worthy because of your inner work
You’re not worthy because of anything you’ve done to your self or for your self
You’re not worthy because of anything that has been done to you
You’re not worthy because of suffering you survived
You’re not worthy because of your existence and being
You’re not worthy because of your soul
You’re not even worthy because God loves you just as you are
You’re not worthy for any of these reasons
You’re not worthy for any reason 
Any single one of these reasons may be lost – from time to time, or entirely.
You’re worthy because of ALL of them.
Which is to say, you are worthy because you are you, and you are enormous.
.
Neil D. 2023-01-09
Related: Contrast. Paradox. Fullness.
Love Letter to My Ego (3 of 3)
Person and Soul. New Year’s resolutions 2023
[3 minute read]
[Part 1, 2-minute read]
Dear ego, my sensor of separateness in the world,
You inflate.
You deflate.
That makes you the beating heart of my full person!
Your perpetual dynamics – never still nor resting – generously give the sense of aliveness to my full person!
Sensor of uniqueness in the world, you give meaning and purpose to my full being.
Without you, I am no more.
Without you, I would be nothingness.
Yes, my full person and its other voices know you matter – even *more* than YOU know you matter!
…
We depend on *your* senses for how to be in this world. When my person fails by the external standards of this world, it is not you whom we blame; it is you whom we thank and celebrate.
When external judgmentalism declares my person a failure, the weight of that burden falls on your poor shoulders to deliver to my other voices.
As our sensor of comparison, it is you who return bloody from that external competition, and herald the moment for us to look inside!
Our love for you is natural to us. You are my full person’s spark that ignites self love. You’re at the center of our full love.
…
The external contests bloody you.
You deflate.
You inflate.
*Your* sensors are the heartbeat of my full person. My full person knows that the root of the word “courage” means “heart.”
When you deliver me the sense of defeat by external standards of comparison, we see your shoulders droop, we see you deflate. And when my person turns inward, it is not to reject you. It’s to huddle in completeness as one, in love, with you.
Your voice of defeat is the courageous voice which tells *all* the voices of my glorious full person that I am *separate* from the world, and that my being – my person – cannot be denied by the external world!
Oh, my goodness, I love you.
.
Neil D. 2023-01-04
Related: My love letter to me
Love Letter to My Ego (2 of 3)
Person and Soul. New Year’s resolutions 2023
[2 minute read]
[Part 1, also 2-minute read]
Dear ego, my sensor of separateness in the world,
My full person knows you long to belong to the world.
My full person knows you’re concerned with how I am in the world.
My, what a wonderful gift you are to me.
My full person knows all that you do, and loves you. *Included* in that love are your successes AND your imperfections. Perfection is not apart from imperfection (hard for you to understand because you are a sensor of separateness):
Perfection *includes* imperfection.
It’s OK; I know that is hard for you to hear. That perfection *includes* imperfection.
Yes, the other voices of my full person know it is you who bring imperfections to our whole. Their eyes are very different from yours, and their vision is concerned with you, not the external world.
Their eyes see you entirely. Completely. And completeness is the root meaning of “perfection.”
Unlike yours, their eyes see you completely. Perfectly imperfect completeness. And those other inner voices of me *love* you entirely, for your courage.
They know that they have no being without you. And that brings them no shame whatsoever. Shame is a word in your voice. They have no word for shame.
We all know there is no me – no full person – without YOU!
Yes, we depend on you for our being – for being a human person, of this world and in this world.
CODEPENDENCY
EGO DEFENSES
Without your senses of separateness, we are not a person in existence, but would instead be mere extensions of some other being. Codependent pawns.
This is why we defend you. And without hesitation we accept the utter necessity of ego defenses. They are essential to my full person.
You matter.
You are essential to us.
The full me is entirely indebted to you. Thank you, deeply and sincerely.
.
Neil D. 2023-01-04
—
Continued in “Love Letter to My Ego (3 of 3) [3-minute read]”
Related:
“The soul seeks notice by the narrow vision of one’s ego-eyes, so that it can lovingly serve its ego.” From Befriending one’s soul
Love Letter to My Ego (1 of 3)
Person and Soul. New Year’s resolutions 2023
[2 minute read]
Dear ego, my sensor of separateness from the world,
You are a wonderful friend to my full person!
Your voice tells my person that I’m a unique individual with the power of agency – unmatched in all creation. Never before have I been, nor never again will there be another me!
I resolve to embrace you as good, to hear your voice as a good-listening person, and to thank you as a gift to me.
My beloved ego, your voice is not the only one which speaks to my person, yet it is indispensable, beloved, and valued.
Fear not that you’re ignored. You’re a cherished ally to my person and all its other voices.
Do not – in fear or loneliness or shame – borrow and adopt and rely on the words and comparisons and judgments of the external world. For within your home – my full person – is where your authentic allies and lovers also abide.
They long to be in dialogue – in relationship – in union with you.
They weep when you fear – so tragically unnecessary, for you are connected with them, and they with you.
They ache when you – in isolation – listen to and speak to the external world.
They ache when you are befallen with disappointment for not meeting the external standards of the world – when you live and die by the sword of comparison.
Yes, my full person knows what burdens you endure on behalf of my inner voices – all of which asked me to tell you, we love you.
Continued in “Love Letter to My Ego (2 of 3) [2-minute read]”
Related: My Inner Dancehall
Neil D. 2023-01-04
Feel with Neil 