Beware of therapy goals! (2) Envy and the Pitfalls of Validation

This article by another author presents envy as a sort of mirror of shame— a gap between what we have and what we want.

I think this is the grave peril of self-help as well as therapy to “work on things,” instead of doing inner work. Dopamine, serotonin, endorphins, etc. are part of our biological hardwiring. This makes us goal-driven creatures. And evolution has programmed us with negative emotions when we fail to achieve goals.

What the author presents as “expectations” is what I often have written about as ideals or idealizations. If your self-help materials or therapies have you “work on something,” beware. High expectations can lead to more pain than good. Some schools of therapy urge you to take little steps, so you can keep feeding your addictive hardwiring with incremental achievements. I think that has its place as the “gentleness” I mentioned in my prequel; but it can make us prey to therapy. What you should be working on is understanding your inner self (see my prequel Beware of therapy goals! (1) You’re prey.)

Knowing your fuller self enables you to recognize more realistic boundaries around your expectations.

Knowing your fuller self also more realistically tempers our desires to achieve ideals.

We are programmed to unconsciously and reflexively identify desirable ideals. We say we want to be “more like her,” or we want to be more of “this,” or less of “that.” Knowing your self reveals how much of “this” you are, and how much of “that” you don’t need, and that you are not “her.” That can yield what that author presents as humility. And that puts a foot on the ship of contentment, and a little less suffering.

Wish to be more You, and as you discover that you already are You, disappointment with unachieved goals lightens.

To know how good You already are demands that you study who you are, and that doesn’t mean affirming your good of which you’re already conscious; instead, plumb the depths of your dark Shadow, because it’s the You of which you’re unconscious.

Your Shadow is the perfect “textbook” custom-tailored to You as the subject! Over and over throughout the history of the best human thoughts recorded in writing, we are repeatedly urged to know our own evil and potential for evil in order to be more good—AND content.

That author presents this as “Expectation vs Reality”

“Betrayal — the worst of all pains — comes when that expectation is broken. The pain and sadness you feel is your body telling you ‘HEY, that false reality you’ve been living in, yeah not the best idea to keep living like that,’ and adjusts your view of the world to fit whatever data point you’ve just learnt.”

“Validation is like truth without facts. You feel like your belief is right because other people say so, but that doesn’t hold up to reality.”

“The reason why validation is so dangerous is that it actually puts you in the same spot as the liar. You’ve created a false reality around yourself that’s fundamentally rooted in experience, not fact.
So again, we become prone to betrayal and suffering.”

[Regarding why you should plumb the depths of your Shadow:] ”
Humility — low expectation.
Entitlement — high expectation.
Entitlement is really just the expression of expectation. Humility on the other hand is trying to minimize that expectation, and feeling satisfied with where you are.
Since we’re so goal oriented, it’s hard to feel super humble all the time, because it implies a satisfaction with your current state… Our biology doesn’t like that. We’re wired to self improve… Buddha believed our pain is caused by our goal-oriented nature, and constant striving to fulfill our desires.”

“…the expected outcome… When we don’t achieve it, we become sad — a sign that we aren’t well conditioned to the reality of the universe, and that our expectations based off previous experiences were actually wrong.”

The unfortunate hard truth is that you may be the only one to blame, explained by the same author here.

Each one of us constructs a perspective on reality according to our experiences. Two people can look at the same thing very differently—AND both be very “right.” Envy is a powerful emotional signal not so much that you are wrong, but that reality has alternative perceptions and you’re preferring a change in your perspective.

FeelWithNeil wishes for you to see the alternatives because many may be “true,” not just yours, and not just yours at a given moment. There’s an infinite space for you to grow into.

More to come in this series on therapy goal pitfalls. To be alerted when published, at the bottom of this page under Leave A Reply, enter your email (remains private), and checkmark “Notify me of new posts via email.”

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Neil D. 2020-11-03

Compassionate Reactions

When you see someone suffering, are you moved with sadness to compassion? Don’t you long to show them the love and kindness that every human being deserves? Even when the victim is a mean or miserable bastard, some of our heartstrings get plucked:

Seeing blameless victims moves us deeply. Most of us are also moved deeply when we see people suffering senselessly by their own hand. The better angels of our nature tell us that those who hurt themselves or others have some suffering in their own pasts.

So, how about you? For various reasons, we get conditioned into thinking that weakness is bad, so we don’t like to see ourselves as weak victims of suffering at the hands of another. What we like far less is any recognition that we have suffered at our OWN hands.

None of us can fully resist the power of shame. Aimed at it are all of our powerful psychological defenses and the insidious blame game. And that is why…

our own suffering fails to move us to the same depth of compassion for our own selves.

Yet, that is how God looks upon us. THIS is the “mind of Jesus.”

Most of us have some subconscious level of skepticism when we look at acts of altruism, but not when we look upon suffering. When most of us think of the story of Christ, we see the suffering of the crucifixion. It was a large act. We also bring to mind the many acts of compassion Jesus showed others, but we tend to do that collectively, as if it has to approach the size and scale of the crucifixion.

This sort of collectivization is a form of idealization. But it betrays the example of Jesus. We have ascribed too much grandiosity to the story of Jesus, so we lose sight of the person-to-person compassion he exemplified.

In our subconscious are some grand ideals that we subconsciously know are impossible to achieve as an individual. That distracts us from the tiny moment-to-moment opportunities we have to pour out love from inside of us.

We get consumed with thinking about the ultimate salvation of our soul and the perfection of our humanity, and we lose sight of how grandiose each small act of our loving truly is.

Large scale suffering easily elicits compassion. So, think of yourself as suffering on a large scale. For you, as an individual person, are as precious to God as the whole world is.

Let God save the world. Let God love the whole world. Let yourself love you and each face you touch moment by moment. Selflessness does not mean no self consideration. Touch your own self with the limitless compassion and love you think you aim only at others and the whole world:

God loves us not collectively, but each tender and suffering soul at a time. That’s what the Christ shows us.

Neil D. 2020-10-23

We need YOUR loving

Does someone need your loving today?

EVERYONE you encounter today needs your loving.

Your brand of loving, from deep inside of your humble heart, is a unique stitch in the fabric of creation. Pour it out from inside you, without fanfare, when no one is looking.

We need you.

Our world is less, without your loving.

“EVERYONE you encounter today needs your loving.” Even if YOU are the only one you encounter.

Neil D. 2020-10-22

Beware of therapy goals! (1) You’re prey.

(oft-attributed to Carl Jung:)

“The reason modern people can’t see God is that they won’t look low enough”

Beware of therapy goals, unless they are centered about inner work to know your unconscious self. Most are not. Daily reading books like “The language of letting go” seem like they are aimed at knowing yourself, but it’s superficial. These modes prey on our desires for therapy to help us feel better about ourselves. They present ideas to examine about ourselves, but they do not dwell on them because that would contradict the goal of feeling better. They tend to focus on how we have perceived things that have happened to us, and “mistakes” we may have made in our thinking or behaviors. They mix it in with some nuggets of how things *could* be—gentleness to give us hope. Many conclude with uplifting resolutions, often as prayers (which I find *potentially* abominable to my God), whether “The language of letting go” or the AA serenity prayer. Why all this cynicism from me?

First, whip open such a short reading and evaluate it from these perspectives above:
1. I’m a victim. I feel bad.
2. I’ve made mistakes. I feel bad.
3. There are alternatives. Feeling better.
4. I agree with them. I feel better.

Why so cynical? These modes — whether books or therapy sessions — keep us in a limbo of optimism mixed with consciousness of our victimization. That consciousness is only half the truth of victimization.

I am aware that some people are not ready to dive deeply into their inner selves, and that they might need some gentle affirmation, and causes for hope. So, for how long? The best of therapy guidelines advise this gentle initiation as necessary to establish rapport between the therapist and client (or author and reader). Clients can only expose themselves as far as they trust the therapist. Almost universally, clients mistake this trust as therapeutic progress. That capitalizes on this obvious reality:

You’re not in therapy if you have not suffered numerous violations of your trust.

A therapist who won’t violate your trust by being non-gentle is just what you’re looking for to feel better!

That’s therapeutic, but so is talking to your dog, or a few beers and a banana nut muffin.

How much time should we spend growing our consciousness that we are suffering victims? We all are. Every wisdom tradition in human history tells us that. When does a client know it sufficiently to take some next steps? And what are those next steps?

Here are the two solid principles in any therapy, whether it’s Dr. Phil or Jesus Christ:

1. “Own from your bones”

No therapeutic progress can occur, or stick, unless the client comes to realizations as their own ideas. Clients must “know” these things by ways of knowing that far exceed cognition and rationality in the “mind.” This form of knowledge is internal, and comes from our inner places; it does not come from platitudes or working to implement ideals, because that’s external. It is knowing with the heart, not with the mind. So, how does one come to that?

2. “Worst First”

No authentic progress in feeling better about yourself can occur, or stick, until you first feel much worse about yourself.

Optimists despise this reality, but pretend in ignorance of every wisdom tradition in history.

Beware of the false gentleness by which sources of affirmation prey on you to keep you in limbo. There is no breaking out of this superficial loop until you feel much worse about yourself.

From AA to Buddha to the Bible to Carl Jung, authentic growth demands we recognize our denial of the undeniable.

No one in history has EVER felt “prepared” to take this step into their inner darkness. It is ALWAYS forced by one or a couple life events.

No one EVER feels ready to confess their utter brokenness to themselves and face their abject failures. And THAT is why gentle therapies won’t take you there. They don’t want to lose you. And you don’t want to go there. A perfect match of procrastination! But, it’s also why so many clients relapse into depression that they haven’t made progress that stuck. Most ultimately abandon therapy before authentic growth.

Many therapy modes and affirmation material like “The language of letting go” skate on the superficial surfaces of these two principles, and trap us there by fooling us. We think that just because we recognize some wisdom, that is progress. It won’t stick. That’s external wisdom. It’s no different than memorizing multiplication tables:

You’ll never meet anyone who abandoned therapy because it made them feel too good about themselves!

Think about that truism very carefully.

At some point, every authentic therapy must take the step that results in your feeling much, much worse about yourself before anything good can stick with you for very long. And here is the important thing about that, the fuel these gentle sources feed us as their prey: Do NOT mistake your prior bad feelings as this step into your darkness. You have suffered as a victim of others. But this step, into your own darkness, involves suffering that originates when you become conscious that you yourself are a victimizer.

To read more about stepping into your own darkness, Google this quote oft-attributed to Carl Jung:
“The reason modern people can’t see God is that they won’t look low enough”

Why do we get trapped into goal-seeking in therapy? The sequel to this article explains that we are drawn to goals in general, by our biology that’s so irresistible. What’s so easily and subtly overlooked is this: Biological evolution wired us for survival, not contentment; contentment and survival are a paradox that calls us to look for truths that transcend what we think are facts. Therapy goals trap us in envy (which, like shame, is the opposite of feeling better): “Beware of therapy goals! (2) Envy and the Pitfalls of Validation“

Neil D. 2020-10-15

Let your nature carry you

Let your nature carry you through this day. You do realize that it is your nature which carries you all the time, don’t you? Despite your learned resistance?

You think you manage your life well because you are strong. The consequence of that thinking is a feeling of weakness when life feels less in your control. Our egos get disturbed about weakness.

I suggest you take much less credit for feeling strong. Virtually all of your strength is not your doing at all. It is simply your nature. It is how you are wired. But our conscious ego-minds like to take credit for anything good, like strength. Um, that’s ego inflation. Conceit.

I suggest you stop concerning your conscious mind with credit. Ha! Easily said. Our culture is obsessed with credit. That’s why we compare, and judge, and reject, and complain. Um, our culture sucks. In that regard, at least (which is a pretty damn BIG “least”).

I am not suggesting that we don’t applaud virtues like hard work and defense of freedom. But I would like us to grow in our conscious awareness about why we value those ideals so highly—why we are concerned about being a land of opportunity. I do not believe it is so that others can enjoy this safe haven for the purposes of inflating their egos. I believe it is so that we have a garden where can dance the better angels of our nature.

Cultivate that garden today by letting your nature carry you. Your nature is good. I know that, because I share that nature.

Your nature is beautiful. I know that, because when I see you act according to your uniquely individual nature, it is different from mine. Our world is beautiful because it is a garden lush with variety, not monotony, not obsesssion with conformity to a narrow range of ideals.

Be the flower which that beauty needs. No one else can. Let your nature carry you naturally. I need you. We need you. We just aren’t aware enough of that. Yet.

Neil D. 2020-10-06

My love letter to me II

Accused of grave wrongdoing, the reasons rang true to me.

Perhaps what troubled me most was that, in my accuser’s mind, I hurt them way more than they ever hurt me. (I choose to say their “mind” because I do not know their heart on the matter.)

I argued that it’s impossible to disentangle the hurt I caused from the hurt they caused to their own self by their own psychological coping mechanisms. But they had already quit from the blame game.

As I said, reasons for the indictment rang true to me, and still do. I didn’t deny them then, and still don’t. I carried the weight of that accepted blame into some dark depression where I struggled for a way to carry it, especially wrestling with their conviction that their lesser transgressions made me morally inferior—by weighing them on some objective moral scale.

I am grateful that I too withdrew from the blame game, and haven’t relied on denial of my brokenness. I carry compassion for my accuser throughout my deep-rest inner examinations—alone, though with help from old and new angels in my life, who help me see Me.

I continue to unexpectedly grow in authentic self-compassion and authentic self-love because, while facing my Shadow in my Dark Night Of The Soul, I haven’t denied my compassion and love for my accuser—despite some efforts by loved ones to talk me out of that.

God’s grace has kept my heart open to loving that ‘enemy’ accuser so that I could further open my heart to loving my own broken self: “How you do one thing is how you do every thing.” My wish for all of us in similar boats is to pour out loving compassion on those who hurt us worst, because it’s impossible to pour out *authentic* love on anyone else if we can’t. And I myself am an “anyone else.”

Not an iota of my suffering is wasted if it keeps me aware of how much suffering I have caused others, and still can. I can’t know my fullest Self by growing more aware of my goodness alone; I must keep exploring the deepest of my recesses as well. I have seen much beauty in that resplendent darkness; it is part of Me.

Today, here‘s the most succinct and easily readable, plain-spoken article that comes to mind about why I believe that descent into our very own darkness is the only journey for growing large enough to carry our pains in goodness, with the largeness of our souls.

I now have a paradoxically humble confidence that I could never hurt anyone (including my Self) that deeply again, as long as I remain aware of my Shadow.

Paradox and mystery are now essential to being complex Me.

I will perpetually need my God’s help—which includes inner awareness of my lovable divinity, as well as the Christ-faces of the helper angels in my life. These can keep me humble and open to being loved by my divine soul, and pouring out that love authentically from inside that soul.

I don’t need a bigger soul. Instead, a perpetually expanding awareness of my God-endowed-soul’s infinite depth keeps me feeling that I am “living.” That I am a human, “being.” Coming to understand that living and being are, above all, loving.

(RELATED: My love letter to me)