If you fail at raising me out of my sadness, then you too will be sad. That will make me sadder. I choose and own my sadness right now because I believe it is where I am supposed to be, to be true to my Self. It is not despair. It is widening, not deepening.
I own my sadness and resignation. They are mine. And they are fueling my soul’s expansion. If it helps you to feel less uncomfortable, I would put it this way: My sadness, or resignation, or whatever disposition of mine makes you uncomfortable, is not deepening; it is a widening. It is not closing my heart; it is awakening it. I wish to let it do its work.
Because you care for me, you don’t like to see me sad or resigned. Thank you. And I love you for that. And I am asking you to love me as I am. I am no more or less broken than anyone else. I have fun, feel joy, behold and cherish beauty. I have that light. But I am more than just light. I also have darkness. And I am learning to cherish it as well.
I am genuinely sorry if that makes you uncomfortable. Genuinely. How can I be true to my Self and, at the same time, not make you uncomfortable? If you have a solution for this quandary, I warmly invite you to voice it to me.
I cannot bind my melancholy. I understand that you think I am creating my own melancholy where none is required, or at least less is required. I lovingly disagree. I believe, more widely and deeply each passing day, that I am where I am supposed to be. I am depressed, so in deep-rest. But I am not in despair. Nor am I stuck or stagnant. I am growing. My depression is widening. To me, that is not a bad thing. I feel it as becoming even more alive, more reunited with my soul, and the souls of others.
When I sense that my melancholy is saddening you, my sadness does deepen. I am sad that my need to feel my own hurt also hurts you. But I am consciously feeling my hurt, and think that I must, so that I will hurt my Self and other selves less, eventually.
Hug me. Tell me I’m a good person. Make me laugh. Laugh if I amuse you. But if you try to talk me out of my darkness, we will both get hurt. You will fail. And you will begin to think of me as someone who is hopelessly miserable, because I will not meet your expectation or aspiration. That will make you unhappy perhaps, and that is not my wish. Unless you choose your sadness for your Self, as I have. If you have, then please talk to me about it. That would be wonderful to me.
If you try to talk me out of my sadness, I will not like that. I will feel that as rejection. And I am far better at feeling sad than I am at feeling rejected:-)
I am learning to be happy and sad at the same time. It is my gift to my self. I understand it is hard to be around a person in darkness, so I am genuinely sorry if you are forced to be around me. Nor would I ask that you share your darkness with me until you are ready. That would be a gift to me as well.
Thank you for your gifts. Thank you for your love. Thank you for letting me be who I need to be right now, and still be connected to you. Connection with you is a treasure beyond measure. And my reverence for that – for you – is expanding in this growth phase I am in.
With love, and loving that I am yours,
Neil D. 2020–02–18
My love letter to you PS (This is not depression.)