My love letter to me II


Accused of grave wrongdoing, the reasons rang true to me.

Perhaps what troubled me most was that, in my accuser’s mind, I hurt them way more than they ever hurt me. (I choose to say their “mind” because I do not know their heart on the matter.)

I argued that it’s impossible to disentangle the hurt I caused from the hurt they caused to their own self by their own psychological coping mechanisms. But they had already quit from the blame game.

As I said, reasons for the indictment rang true to me, and still do. I didn’t deny them then, and still don’t. I carried the weight of that accepted blame into some dark depression where I struggled for a way to carry it, especially wrestling with their conviction that their lesser transgressions made me morally inferior—by weighing them on some objective moral scale.

I am grateful that I too withdrew from the blame game, and haven’t relied on denial of my brokenness. I carry compassion for my accuser throughout my deep-rest inner examinations—alone, though with help from old and new angels in my life, who help me see Me.

I continue to unexpectedly grow in authentic self-compassion and authentic self-love because, while facing my Shadow in my Dark Night Of The Soul, I haven’t denied my compassion and love for my accuser—despite some efforts by loved ones to talk me out of that.

God’s grace has kept my heart open to loving that ‘enemy’ accuser so that I could further open my heart to loving my own broken self: “How you do one thing is how you do every thing.” My wish for all of us in similar boats is to pour out loving compassion on those who hurt us worst, because it’s impossible to pour out *authentic* love on anyone else if we can’t. And I myself am an “anyone else.”

Not an iota of my suffering is wasted if it keeps me aware of how much suffering I have caused others, and still can. I can’t know my fullest Self by growing more aware of my goodness alone; I must keep exploring the deepest of my recesses as well. I have seen much beauty in that resplendent darkness; it is part of Me.

Today, here‘s the most succinct and easily readable, plain-spoken article that comes to mind about why I believe that descent into our very own darkness is the only journey for growing large enough to carry our pains in goodness, with the largeness of our souls.

I now have a paradoxically humble confidence that I could never hurt anyone (including my Self) that deeply again, as long as I remain aware of my Shadow.

Paradox and mystery are now essential to being complex Me.

I will perpetually need my God’s help—which includes inner awareness of my lovable divinity, as well as the Christ-faces of the helper angels in my life. These can keep me humble and open to being loved by my divine soul, and pouring out that love authentically from inside that soul.

I don’t need a bigger soul. Instead, a perpetually expanding awareness of my God-endowed-soul’s infinite depth keeps me feeling that I am “living.” That I am a human, “being.” Coming to understand that living and being are, above all, loving.

.

(RELATED: My love letter to me)


Published by Neil Durso

Just another mid-lifer sharing the journey...

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