Neil’s thoughts on feelings, interior life, spirituality, philosophy, science, psychology, religion, and wth else occurs:)
Says this stalwart tree to the roaring water: “You give me life by the moment, but you can only move me over decades. Do not respect me because I am immovable. Sometimes I envy your constant motion, being never the same from one moment to the next. Muddy and fearsome in your fierceness; clear and soothing in your calm. I cannot live without you. All I have to offer you is my thanks and love.”
Neil D. 2020-07-23
Related: The Still River Hike
there are good days and there are bad days
then there are days when they hold a broken mirror
to your face and say
this is a self-portrait
press seven shards of bad luck into your palms
like petals between pages
under the weight of a thousand words in every voice
except your own, but
you read them all anyway
let them take up space
your head, so heavy
and the bones in your legs aching like steel rods
this is how a lost train must resent its cargo
this is why people must hide from store windows, and
calm lakes and silver spoons
you pour and you miss and you’re still left half full
you want to speak and not hear your voice
you want to crawl out of this skin
burn the bad bits, then return
but you’re scared of being left with nothing
“How do you feel?”
“I don’t know…”
I don’t think it’s unusual not know what we’re feeling. Nor even to be unable to feel.
What are you feeling now?
Are you feeling a mixture of feelings?
Are you feeling one shallowly?
Are you feeling one deeply?
If you aren’t sure, there are some almost universal triggers to make or help you feel.
I’m not at all a fan of the musical genres jazz, classical, or country. I can enjoy occasional hits from each, but rarely more than one or two at a time. Upon hearing of my disdain for classical, my sister challenged me.
I believe this 3.5 minute piece is one of the almost universal triggers that cannot be heard without a maelstrom of accompanying feelings (listen with space to move your arms through their full ranges, and fasten your headphones or earbuds securely, for your head will dance upon your neck, and, almost certainly, you’ll need to stand, and quite possibly dance):
If you are a classical music aficionado, don’t try to convert me, but please do share with me pieces like this one, which do not require an appreciation for the art form, and do not for the uninterested include wasteful bridges, interludes, and introductions. I wish to hear more brief pieces like this, in which every note has intrinsic value, even to the infidel.
Neil D. 2020-07-19
[The following words are excerpted from the writing of Richard Rohr, who occasionally writes about the Shadow, the soul, and sometimes explicitly on the Dark Night of the Soul, like below, where he refers to the Yes introduced by Starr.]
[see more in the resource index]
The mystery of transformation more often happens not when something new begins, but when something old falls apart. The pain of something old falling apart invites the soul to listen at a deeper level, and forces the soul to go to a new place. Most of us would never go to new places in any other way.
The mystics use many words to describe this chaos: dark night, emptiness, trial… Whatever it is, it does not feel good and it does not feel like God.
We will normally do anything to keep the old thing from falling apart, …tightening our controls and certitudes.
Spiritual transformation always includes a disconcerting reorientation. It can either help people to find new meaning or it can force people to close down and slowly turn bitter.
Transformation is always a process of letting go, living in the confusing, shadowy space for a while.
In moments of insecurity and crisis, shoulds and oughts don’t really help. They just increase the shame, guilt, pressure, and likelihood of backsliding into unhealthy patterns. It’s the deep yeses that carry us through to the other side. It’s that deeper something we are strongly for—such as… dignity…—that allows us to wait it out. It’s someone in whom we absolutely believe and to whom we commit. In plain language, love wins out over guilt any day.
From https://cac.org/change-is-inevitable-2020-07-05/
For Rohr explicitly on the Dark Night of the Soul, see https://cac.org/dark-night-of-the-soul-2017-09-07/
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Neil D. 2020-07-18
[2.5 minute read]
For everyone
[see more in Dark Night of the Soul (0) – Resources & Recommendations]
Excerpts from Thomas Moore’s Foreword to Starr‘s translation
[DEPRESSION?]
… how do we distinguish between depression and…the dark night John describes (not all painful transitions qualify as a dark night of the soul)? …What we call depression is a kind of initiation rather than just an emotional problem… the soul’s need and longing for transcendence, …not merely psychological development… an all-important shift from curing the personality to caring for the soul.”
***
“… how do we distinguish between depression and…the dark night John describes? The key is to distinguish between the ego and the soul. The ego [is]the concern of modern psychology and self-help books… The soul is vast in comparison [to the ego] and full of mysteries.”
“At the end of struggles people sometimes claim that they have gone through an ordeal and have come out happy on the other side… I’m not convinced that these victories signal the kind of darkness John describes so carefully. Many spiritual guides warn that we can play tricks on ourselves, bolstering a fragile ego with the thought that we have triumphed… not all painful transitions qualify as a dark night of the soul.”
John of the Cross is speaking of mysterious developments in the vast realm of the soul… We tend to see difficult feelings as a form of illness, which we hope to conquer, cure, and expel. He has a far greater imagination of human life: his goal is not health but union with the divine.
John’s analysis applies to the human condition, not to a class of believers… a book about transcendence, not merely psychological development… John might help us see that what we call depression is a kind of initiation rather than just an emotional problem… Depression has its physical, emotional, and psychological dimensions… But it is also spiritual and potentially valuable in making a meaningful life.
Mysticism doesn’t have to be a life profession. …depression, anxiety, and addiction has to do with what John writes about: the soul’s need and longing for transcendence. This need is instinctual and unavoidable.
…everything to do with how we feel and how well we deal with life. Spirit and soul are distinct but inseparable… reintroduce the spiritual into our everyday lives. Without it we lack the vision to deal with our personal and social problems effectively and make sense out of a mysterious and challenging existence.
…the book speaks about our daily, if hidden, attempts at transcendence… an all-important shift from curing the personality to caring for the soul.
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Neil D. 2020-07-07
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See more in Dark Night of the Soul (0) – Resources & Recommendations
Whom shall I love? “Whichever one needs it most in the moment.” For she or he is the Christface set before me.
[3.5 minute read]
[a re-contextualization of Dark Night of the Soul (6) – Dad & His Family. Ours]
I believe “The Way” of Yeshua is way, way simpler than institutionalized Christianity complicates it. This prior article (6.1) explains why, and introduces the words below.
***
I don’t mean to exalt my own father to a status of sainthood. Or, perhaps, that IS what I mean to do. Is it really that hard to believe that God wishes all of us to be exalted to that status?
Is it hard to believe that God wishes us to see the saint in every one of God’s children?
That God wishes for us to see the saint in our own selves?
Were these not the clear, simple, and unambiguous words of God’s Son to us? The kingdom is within us. We are His Father’s sons and daughters? Is that supposed to be some kind of veiled language or psycho-trick? Secret meanings that only the elite can decode? The elite, like lepers and tax collectors?
In any case, I’m just telling the story from one perspective, about one man, and how I see it that he embodied the one simple rule of Christ meant for all of us, stripped of any complicated systems.
My dad once mused about which of his 6 kids he loved most:
“Whichever one needs it most in the moment.”
I wonder how he got so smart. Do you think he thought it through? I do, but not in his brain. Through his heart.
Not by thinking; by living, acting.
Responding to whichever grace was put in his face.
According to his common, and his unique, nature as created by God.
He was a large man in the second half of his life. He loved his food like he loved his children—whatever was in front of him at the moment:-) That seemed to suit him naturally. He lived hard, deep, wide.
Do we want to indict him for indulging his voracious appetite for food? Some sort of coping mechanism for his fallen nature? Go ahead, if that is all you have “eyes to see.” But I tell you, it suited him so very naturally.
There was something uncomfortably delightful about being with him as he cherished his snack, meal, or a bowl of cornflakes with bananas in it.
I think it was the comfort of watching a man live according to his nature.
He had a big ego, but it too suited him—not so large that it wasn’t easily carried by the expanse of his soul, perpetually opened to humility by force and by choice. I think his soul received and nourished that buoyancy by living hard, deep, and wide…
…sometimes by shame exposed, and…
…sometimes by the inexorable tow of his loved ones splashing into his face the forgiveness he wrestled to bestow on his own fallenness.
Do you wish to indict him for his inflated ego? Go ahead, if that is all you have “eyes to see.” No one loved by him would have his love any other way.
When he bragged about himself or his loved ones, and we rolled our eyes, it was uncomfortably comfortable. At other times, we watched him beat himself up as his own worst critic. We experienced him living widely, from pole to pole across the spectrum from pride to humility.
To watch him love and hate himself at the same time was to see a man occupying the fullness of his nature, which gave us license to feel the same.
Those who felt his love never doubted its authenticity, because there was nothing to doubt in everything else about him. His ego and his appetite couldn’t be doubted. They were on full display perpetually. As was his humility when he was humbled.
He lived large, wide, deep… No masks. No motives hidden for very long.
He lived in every moment.
He loved in every moment.
Sometimes he struggled to return to the moment. And it was at those times we saw him suffering. Apart from his nature. And immersed in his nature. Both, at the same time.
He loved and lived in suffering, and lived and loved in joy.
I think that even when we didn’t want to be around him, we wanted to be around his saintliness. His mixture of purity and imperfection was a strange comfort. If he judged us, it wasn’t from his real heart.
I, and many, saw him loving the beggar and the possessed. Loving our nature. Struggling to love himself. Struggling to walk The Way. And, yes, almost enjoying the struggle. United with his Beloved who dwelt in his heart.
I think he was the face of Yeshua to many. In a lifetime of moments.
Saint Dad, to me.
Would that we all, in this moment, love what lies before us.
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Neil D. (the III!) 2020-05-13
These reflections are a sequel to Dark Night of the Soul (6.1) – A “System” to live by? No.
and were inspired by Dark Night of the Soul (6) – Dad & His Family. Ours
Feel with Neil