Feel with Neil

Some people don’t deserve access to us. Codependency. Entitlement?

I saw a post:

“People who consistently and consciously hurt you do not deserve more chances.
They deserve less access.”

I entirely encourage defending ourselves in the vulnerable states many of us may be in.

I also think what we “deserve” is the trickiest question in our lives; it exploits our cultural inability to confront the foolish futility of “entitlement” mentality.

I think it’s fair to assume that any outsider could look at our failed relationships and spin the tale that it was senses of entitlement which were central to the downfalls. The narcissist feels entitled because he is grand. The pleaser feels entitled because she has given everything to the relationship.

Transactionalism, quid pro quo, give-and-take… these are the building blocks of codependency. Compromise and balance are mortar in the bricks.

After our failed relationships built on codependency, it should be no surprise that we seek the secret formulas of compromise and balance – if that is how we want to be in our next relationship.

What if we got love wrong? What if it’s none of these things.

We are entitled to that transactional “form” of love no more than anyone is entitled to receive that form of love from us. It’s unrealistic to believe we are capable of the required balance, so it’s unrealistic to believe a partner is.

Wisdom writers call undeserved love “grace.” When giving involves conditions, it’s not unconditional.

So many of us feel unable to love our own selves because we also do not feel entitled to (deserving of) love from anyone – self included.

I can’t see room for entitlement conditions in authentic love any longer.

I can’t see the covenant of marriage as a transactional contract any longer: That promise is invariably worded to love without conditions til death.

It’s plainly evident that that was a promise half of us could not keep before; our hearts long for it to be one we now can. After all, it is the foundation of the faith of many that they are loved unconditionally by a Higher Someone by grace, not because of what they have earned or deserve. Any faith founded on certainty absent doubt is not faith! Yet there’s a sense of steadfastness in believing in our lovability – by Another.

To long after an unfailing formula of balance and compromise and give-and-take is to long for certainty. To long for entitlement. Not faith.

Without faith, I cannot honestly – deep down – believe I am loved (https://feelwithneil.com/2020/05/28/i-am-being-loved/)

The longing is a longing. Certitude terminates it. When the longing goes, faith goes. Faith is “Aching To Know”

…

“People who consistently and consciously hurt you do not deserve more chances.
They deserve less access.”

Warning: Have you consistently and consciously hurt yourself? I sure as hell have and do. Do I deserve no more chances, no more access, to my self?

Is egocentric self defense masquerading as self compassion fatal? “How we do one thing is how we do everything.”

.
Neil D. 2023-08-29

Be loving with your self (Richard Rohr)

“We think fear and anger and judgment and punishment are going to achieve love—but show me where?”

Restorative justice and retributive justice are common topics for Richard Rohr. While this article of his (https://cac.org/daily-meditations/the-big-picture-of-love-2023-08-24/ ) is not explicitly about those themes applied to our inner life, it’s no leap. In our psyche, it’s tragically common for our ruminations to involve retributive justice. As he insists, we cannot transform our selves nor anyone else without “loving [our selves] more and loving [our selves] more deeply.”

“Almost all of us in Western civilization were educated with the notion of retributive justice… if we sin this much, we get this much punishment…

“Many…grew up with the threat of…sentences doled out for various sins… Please tell me how that makes us love God more? In fact, what it’s done is make a high percentage… fear God, not love God. It certainly did not make us love our neighbor. [nor our selves]

“Show me anyone whose heart was changed by punishing them! … the more we punish people and imprison people, the worse they become.

“It’s a pretty sick system… nothing grand, transformative, or godly about it.

“We think fear and anger and judgment and punishment are going to achieve love—but show me where?

“Here’s the great surprise of the Hebrew Scriptures… People are not going to get what they deserve, they’re going to get much better than they deserve… God says, ‘The way I punish you…is actually going to be by loving you more and loving you more deeply.’

“Love is the only thing that transforms the human heart. Nothing else.

You think self anger and self judgment and self punishment are going to achieve love—but show me where?

Neil D. 2023-08-24

Back to school

A 9th-grader shared some wonderful reflections that made me think of a poster this student shared with me a couple years ago:

So I replied:

“I believe it delights God that every single one of God’s children has their own beliefs. If God wished us all to believe exactly the same things, that would be a lesser god, and your poster in my kitchen, “the world needed one of you,” would be crap. You might not enjoy seeing all the people you’ll see on your first day back today, and I sure as hell can’t understand many things about the world, but I believe God thinks the world needs all of them too. Not everything can be sugarcoated, but I believe entirely that our world is oozing with goodness, and you make it safer for me to believe that.”

Let’s spread that kind of safety.

Neil D. 2023-08-24

He is GoodStuff. Superhero

On the day he was born
The nursery grew lighter.
And the world all around him
Has been since so brighter.

When he arrives at any scene, the mood is lightened and smiles grow wider.
His presence is a force, a force of good nature. We are glad he’s with us. He makes us glad just to be.

As a young boy, over and over he enacted the drama between good and evil with superhero action figures. Good always won. He is good. He is goodness. He always wins hearts.

Rare people carry positive energy always and everywhere. That is rare. He is unique. Radically so.

As a man grows older
He can grow wiser
But only if
His vision grows wider.

He sees the world like no one else. He is in the world like no one else. He marches to the beat of his own drum, an infectious drumbeat. He sticks to his guns and remains who he is, which encourages everyone else to be who they are. How lovely it is to be with someone who is never any threat but rather delights in who we are and who he is. My word, each moment he shares his vision of the world with me, how much wider has he made me see too, so wiser, he has made me.

No one I know laughs more easily. Including at himself. He is a superhero with super powers. My goodness, how he empowers all of us to laugh at ourselves too. Super. Power. Honestly, is there any greater?

With goodness, individuality, brightness, and authenticity without doubt, this too is how he loves. How sweet it is to be loved by him. He is *our* Noah, for it seems he loves all. How sweet he is. And, oh, how I love him. He is my son. And I am his father. He is Noah.

And if you know him, you know he’s the Good Stuff❤️

Happy birthday Noah

.
Neil D. 2023-08-14, Noah’s 2nd decade down

“Both Sides Now” Blue Devils

1967 was a year before two men central in this story were born, and the year that Folk-Grammy winner (1969) Judy Collins released “Both Sides Now,” a song written by Joni Mitchell who was inspired by having to put up her father-abandoned daughter for adoption.
The familiar hippie-era original hit by Judy Collins with lyrics.
But this 2022 performance by the 78-yr-old Mitchell can’t be missed!

1968, March 31 – within 33 days of the birth of the two men central in this story – at the National Cathedral, Martin Luther King thundered: “We shall overcome because the arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends towards justice.”[The Inscription Wall of The Martin Luther King, Jr. Memorial (a national memorial in West Potomac Park next to the National Mall in Washington, D.C.)]

1968, April 4, four days after that speech, MLK was assassinated.

2023 August 12, midday: A midlife woman at a kitchen table in Indianapolis lamented to another midlife couple how the political and religious left and right extremes shout at each other tragically. A midlife man also explained a visit with a religious official to urge considering that a local church decision could be on the wrong side in the long arc of history.

These four midlifers also chatted about common themes of an author favorite among them – themes like the “both/and” in non-duality, egos, and the first and second halves of life.

2023 August 12, at exactly 10:07pm in Indianapolis (Colt’s stadium), these four midlifers enjoyed “Both Sides Now” in the closing and winning show at the DCI (Drum Corps International) 2023 world championship, performed by The Blue Devils from Concord, CA.

2023 August 15, three days later, the favorite author of the 4 midlifers blogged “Prophets are Radicals and Traditionalists” who see life from “both sides, now.”

“Normally, we would think [conservative traditionalism and radical liberalism] would cancel each other out. Most people cannot imagine that both can coexist, tame, and educate one another… To put together [these] opposites… demands a level of human maturity, groundedness, spiritual intelligence, a readiness not to be liked, and a willingness to be persecuted… Many people turned against Martin Luther King Jr. (d.1968)… Antiwar prophets are labeled as radicals even when they call us back to the ancient [conservative] tradition of Christian pacifism… that experience of God’s love which radically alters our vision of ourselves and our outlook on life. Too often we are concerned about petty things that in the end do not really matter… We shouldn’t be surprised if we find ourselves falling in love with our tradition *and* wanting to radically change the way things are. Entering into the vision and love of God alters our perception of reality,” as we look at love and life from ‘both sides.’

That author often reminds us that words don’t express this vision as readily as artists, so have a look at the lyrics of “Both Sides Now” below. Joni Mitchell began writing the song when flying in an airplane and looking down at clouds, up at which she of course had often looked. And the favorite author of the four midlifers often cites “The Cloud of Unknowing” – an anonymous, Christian mystical book from the late 1300s explaining that the way to know God is by experience coupled to “unknowing” what we have learned. When you look at the divine only from the side of what you have been taught, “they only block the sun… And rain and snow on everyone,” as Mitchell’s lyrics say, suggesting you really don’t know love, life, God at all:

I’ve looked at clouds/love/life from both sides now
From up and down and still somehow
It’s clouds/love/life illusions I recall
I really don’t know clouds/love/life at all

“Both ways now” (Joni Mitchell)

Rows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
Looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and they snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way

I’ve looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down and still somehow
It’s cloud illusions I recall
I really don’t know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way that you feel
As every fairy tale comes real
I’ve looked at love that way

But now it’s just another show
And you leave ’em laughing when you go
And if you care, don’t let them know
Don’t give yourself away

I’ve looked at love from both sides now
From give and take and still somehow
It’s love’s illusions that I recall
I really don’t know love
Really don’t know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say, “I love you” right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I’ve looked at life that way

Oh, but now old friends they’re acting strange
And they shake their heads and they tell me that I’ve changed
Well something’s lost, but something’s gained
In living every day

I’ve looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It’s life’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know life at all

It’s life’s illusions that I recall
I really don’t know life
I really don’t know life at all

The story behind the song:
* https://americansongwriter.com/the-meaning-behind-both-sides-now-by-joni-mitchell/
* https://www.smoothradio.com/features/the-story-of/both-sides-now-by-joni-mitchell-lyrics-meaning/

.
Neil D. 2023-08-15

Pressure on ourselves. Ego

I’d like to be an encouraging voice for you not to put so much pressure on yourself to always be right or do the right thing.

Ever hear two people argue and think, “Neither is wrong.” Less often, we might think, “Both are right.”

Surely, other people must think this way often also. But in today’s cultural climate, you sure don’t hear it said out loud very often, do you? Today’s culture is obsessed with being right. And we will risk being wrong even for the glory of being right. That makes us think and say some pretty stupid shit.

And, then, because of the social imperative to be right, we will defend our thoughts and words, and sound even more stupid.

We think the same way about things “being true.” If one thing is true, there cannot be opposing truths. That would be a paradox. Our culture is obsessed with denying paradox, resolving coexistent truths.

Think for a moment how easily that leads to thinking and saying outrageously stupid shit.

Am I right or wrong about that?🤪

“I do good things.” Surely, I also do bad things. These are coexistent truths in the sense of sometimes this, sometimes that.

By now, your ego is likely irritated by reading this. “What’s your point, Neil!?” Your ego needs to know my point by now so it can determine whether I am right or wrong, entirely.

Our egos are conditioned to settle this wishy-washy waffling, to pin down ideas, to resolve into black and white, and to pin down people. Yes, to pin down people. Including our very own selves. Our ego wants to control how the rest of the world considers us. It wants us to be the one who tells people how we are. “I’m a good person.”

When you feel busy, overwhelmed, and anxious, it is almost certainly because your ego dominates how you exist in, and interact with, the world.

Your ego insists that you don’t have time for this nonsense. Your ego demands simplification and generalization at the same time. See that? Your ego demands some stupid shit.

Why is your ego in such a hurry? Because it is defensive. It needs to resolve right and wrong – “right” being how IT is.

It cannot abide paradox. “I want you to decide whether you will embrace me or reject me.” After all, that is the realm in which the ego lives. When it is rejected, it is bruised. When it is accepted, it puffs up.

It doesn’t feel so wrong to be ego-driven because that motivates and energizes us.

“Come on! Make a judgment!”

Your ego makes you feel busy and urgent. “I have things to do. I have people to serve. I have a world to save.” It has accolades and achievements to accomplish.

Your ego is in a hurry because it is defensive. Complex thoughts and conversations might expose it as the stupid-shit “place” from which you act and live. Might expose how it drives you to simplification and generalization, which is stupid shit.

“The problem with…”
.

You’re a busy citizen, giving to your community.
You’re a busy parent, giving to your children.
You’re a giving person, taking care of people.

Isn’t this how you are “supposed” to be?
How you “should” be?
Isn’t this how a good person is?
Culture sure seems to be telling you that. “Be right.”

Then there’s a crash.
Exhaustion.
Resentment.
Brokenness.

Well, let’s get busy fixing the brokenness.
I thought I was doing my best, but my best isn’t good enough.

Perhaps you were doing your best, while not being your best?

Perhaps you do all those good and right things so that people tell you you’re doing good and right things.

Why do you crave that?
Because it’s the only language your ego knows.
Right and wrong, and I will not be wrong.
Good and bad, and I will not be bad.

And yet, sometimes you hear two people argue and think, “Neither is wrong.” Less often, we might think, “Both are right.”

But that doesn’t apply to me myself, surely. I always make the right decision. I always do the right thing. Until I realize that I don’t, and I am broken. So I am working on that. I will fix myself. So you go to therapy, and you recognize you’re making progress. But then you backslide. You must fix and heal, because that is the right outcome. You must graduate from brokenness and get a diploma that your healing is entire.

Sometimes, you can’t figure out what is right, but you are still obsessed with it, so you defer to other people.

Is it that you can’t figure out what is right, or is it that you can’t do what is right, or think what is right?
Or,
Are you looking for support, affirmation, confirmation that you are already right as you are?

My goodness, you put a lot of pressure on yourself.

But you don’t want to blame yourself entirely for that pressure you feel. You want to share blame with society, your parents, your employer, your partner, religion… You have adopted external values as your own. Your ego wants to pick and choose the values that other people see as high value. And then you want to blame the source of those values. Ummm, it was your ego that adopted those values. Blame that. Blame you.

Your ego is the doorway through which all those pressures from the outside enter to your inside.

“I’m always the one who has to…”
Finish the sentence yourself. Whatever it is, it will be stupid shit. How many of the things that you do have actually been asked of you? I bet it is far fewer than you think. It must be, because you yourself have often thought, “It wasn’t ME who asked you to do that.”

It’s easy for the ego to hate the world for implying that it should be something other than it is. Blame is a veil for the ego to hide behind. Our own ego can be hidden from our own full self.
.

“I’m a fighter.” The purpose of fighting is to win. But if you insist on telling the world that you’re a winner, that just sounds like stupid shit. Everybody wins and everybody loses at one time or another, about something or other. All of us know that, yet we want the world to believe it doesn’t apply to us. Our egos make us say and think stupid shit. And our egos don’t like to be called stupid or shitty.

It’s not the full you who doesn’t like the taste of egotistical people.
It’s your ego that doesn’t like the taste of egotistical people.
You don’t want to be one of those distasteful people.
And, look what has happened…

Am I right or wrong?

.
Neil D. 2023-08-11