Pressure on ourselves. Ego

I’d like to be an encouraging voice for you not to put so much pressure on yourself to always be right or do the right thing.

Ever hear two people argue and think, “Neither is wrong.” Less often, we might think, “Both are right.”

Surely, other people must think this way often also. But in today’s cultural climate, you sure don’t hear it said out loud very often, do you? Today’s culture is obsessed with being right. And we will risk being wrong even for the glory of being right. That makes us think and say some pretty stupid shit.

And, then, because of the social imperative to be right, we will defend our thoughts and words, and sound even more stupid.

We think the same way about things “being true.” If one thing is true, there cannot be opposing truths. That would be a paradox. Our culture is obsessed with denying paradox, resolving coexistent truths.

Think for a moment how easily that leads to thinking and saying outrageously stupid shit.

Am I right or wrong about that?🤪

“I do good things.” Surely, I also do bad things. These are coexistent truths in the sense of sometimes this, sometimes that.

By now, your ego is likely irritated by reading this. “What’s your point, Neil!?” Your ego needs to know my point by now so it can determine whether I am right or wrong, entirely.

Our egos are conditioned to settle this wishy-washy waffling, to pin down ideas, to resolve into black and white, and to pin down people. Yes, to pin down people. Including our very own selves. Our ego wants to control how the rest of the world considers us. It wants us to be the one who tells people how we are. “I’m a good person.”

When you feel busy, overwhelmed, and anxious, it is almost certainly because your ego dominates how you exist in, and interact with, the world.

Your ego insists that you don’t have time for this nonsense. Your ego demands simplification and generalization at the same time. See that? Your ego demands some stupid shit.

Why is your ego in such a hurry? Because it is defensive. It needs to resolve right and wrong – “right” being how IT is.

It cannot abide paradox. “I want you to decide whether you will embrace me or reject me.” After all, that is the realm in which the ego lives. When it is rejected, it is bruised. When it is accepted, it puffs up.

It doesn’t feel so wrong to be ego-driven because that motivates and energizes us.

“Come on! Make a judgment!”

Your ego makes you feel busy and urgent. “I have things to do. I have people to serve. I have a world to save.” It has accolades and achievements to accomplish.

Your ego is in a hurry because it is defensive. Complex thoughts and conversations might expose it as the stupid-shit “place” from which you act and live. Might expose how it drives you to simplification and generalization, which is stupid shit.

“The problem with…”
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You’re a busy citizen, giving to your community.
You’re a busy parent, giving to your children.
You’re a giving person, taking care of people.

Isn’t this how you are “supposed” to be?
How you “should” be?
Isn’t this how a good person is?
Culture sure seems to be telling you that. “Be right.”

Then there’s a crash.
Exhaustion.
Resentment.
Brokenness.

Well, let’s get busy fixing the brokenness.
I thought I was doing my best, but my best isn’t good enough.

Perhaps you were doing your best, while not being your best?

Perhaps you do all those good and right things so that people tell you you’re doing good and right things.

Why do you crave that?
Because it’s the only language your ego knows.
Right and wrong, and I will not be wrong.
Good and bad, and I will not be bad.

And yet, sometimes you hear two people argue and think, “Neither is wrong.” Less often, we might think, “Both are right.”

But that doesn’t apply to me myself, surely. I always make the right decision. I always do the right thing. Until I realize that I don’t, and I am broken. So I am working on that. I will fix myself. So you go to therapy, and you recognize you’re making progress. But then you backslide. You must fix and heal, because that is the right outcome. You must graduate from brokenness and get a diploma that your healing is entire.

Sometimes, you can’t figure out what is right, but you are still obsessed with it, so you defer to other people.

Is it that you can’t figure out what is right, or is it that you can’t do what is right, or think what is right?
Or,
Are you looking for support, affirmation, confirmation that you are already right as you are?

My goodness, you put a lot of pressure on yourself.

But you don’t want to blame yourself entirely for that pressure you feel. You want to share blame with society, your parents, your employer, your partner, religion… You have adopted external values as your own. Your ego wants to pick and choose the values that other people see as high value. And then you want to blame the source of those values. Ummm, it was your ego that adopted those values. Blame that. Blame you.

Your ego is the doorway through which all those pressures from the outside enter to your inside.

“I’m always the one who has to…”
Finish the sentence yourself. Whatever it is, it will be stupid shit. How many of the things that you do have actually been asked of you? I bet it is far fewer than you think. It must be, because you yourself have often thought, “It wasn’t ME who asked you to do that.”

It’s easy for the ego to hate the world for implying that it should be something other than it is. Blame is a veil for the ego to hide behind. Our own ego can be hidden from our own full self.
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“I’m a fighter.” The purpose of fighting is to win. But if you insist on telling the world that you’re a winner, that just sounds like stupid shit. Everybody wins and everybody loses at one time or another, about something or other. All of us know that, yet we want the world to believe it doesn’t apply to us. Our egos make us say and think stupid shit. And our egos don’t like to be called stupid or shitty.

It’s not the full you who doesn’t like the taste of egotistical people.
It’s your ego that doesn’t like the taste of egotistical people.
You don’t want to be one of those distasteful people.
And, look what has happened…

Am I right or wrong?

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Neil D. 2023-08-11

In relationships, “settling” is a bad word

In relationships, settling is a bad word… so we often live in denial, and instead believe in, or chase, a dream free of any demand that we settle for an imperfect mate. Or we measure ourselves against that dream as failures, and wonder if there is greener grass elsewhere.

So some partners cheat. Others may wish they had the depravity to cheat; instead they may just ‘quit.’ And who’s to say that when one quits, the other is so wrong to cheat? Is halfhearted participation in a relationship already a form of cheating? Can you really cheat in a relationship that doesn’t actually exist?

Here’s what the evidence says about settling, and it’s rationally pretty indisputable (but we practice hopeful denial anyway)…

No relationship has perfect balances.

Perfect balances in sexual desire

Perfect balances in how to spend time together

Perfect balances in time needed away from the partner

Perfect balances in how to spend money

Perfect balances in how to treat and react to family

And, especially, perfect balance in who “gives more to the relationship”

Whether “greater” balance is the goal, and settling is the enemy, what happens to marriages?

Half of them end in divorce. Period.
So why the hell do we give any credence whatsoever to advice about balance?! Or settling? It seems to be right only half the time – which are the odds of a goddamn coin toss.

Notice we are talking about settling, and balance, here. The ideal notion of balance is 50-50. Anything else is imbalanced. Do you find it curious that the success rate in marriage is 50-50?

We want to hide our head in the sand when it comes to that distressing statistic. We want to believe we are in the half which will succeed.

Have you ever wondered how many of the lasting 50% survive because they accept and tolerate settling? Do you think it’s because they generally have a 50-50 balance? Ha!

Do you wonder if they altogether reject the notion of “settling”?

Do you wonder if settling (or balancing) is not even a word in the vocabulary of their relationship mindset?

In popular psychology – even if it doesn’t have directly to do with relationships – you hear vocabularies like: “Partners in relationship need to set and respect boundaries… need to give-and-take… need to compromise.” Generally, these imply we can get more of our needs met, but how is that done without our partner settling? Maybe they need to take less and give more. What if they say the same about us?

Just as there can’t be giving without taking, how can there be taking without giving?

It seems wise to say that a relationship needs balance. But, who is the arbiter of that balance? If it’s not me who gets to define that balance, then I sense an imbalance. If it’s not my partner who gets to set that balance, then my partner feels an imbalance. So we need to balance the balancing🙄

In the end, it seems both need to settle in some circumstances, at some times, about some things. So, why the hell does settling taste like such a bad word?

Those of us who fear we are in the failing 50%, or who have actually experienced that failure, desperately want an answer to the question of settling. Actually, we are probably desperate for *any* answers that are simple enough. That’s what desperation does. It wants simplification. Desperation does not favor complexity, does it?

Maybe I too desperately want my partner to be someone they aren’t – someone else.

Maybe I too desperately want my partner to be simple while I desperately want to remain complex.

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Neil D. 2023-08-09

An Evolutionary Crossroad. An Inspirational Meme for Hope; Mutants in Evolution

Evolution and our DNA has wired us – involuntarily, as a matter of our biological survival as live organisms – not to lose favor with our pack, our tribe.

The people-pleasing instinct is an instinct to minimize the chance that our pack will ostracize us and we’ll face predators alone, which means we’ll fail because our biological defenses rely on a united front with others in our pack.

Today, we don’t often face such threats, but DNA rewiring throughout a species takes hundreds of generations, thousands of years or more. Individuals in whom this wiring is abnormal are called “mutants.” Literally. And yet no evolution – zero – happens without the preexistence of mutants.

The pleasing instinct is strong – so strong that our human species has evolved unusually fast. Homo sapiens is a species that’s maybe 1/4 million years old; that’s 250 thousand years. The horseshoe crab’s species is at least 250 million years old – 1000 times older. Even the dinosaurs couldn’t threaten the whole planet as immediately as we do now. Microbes like fungi, bacteria, and viruses cannot end all other life like we can.

Our biological wiring also underlies our dark sides. We don’t need to look deeply for this. If an alien studied the history of our species, they would summarize it in 3 easy letters. W. A. R.

War is fueled by tribalism – our hardwired belief that we are better than “them.” Let’s stick together, no matter whether it involves eradicating other human beings of our own species who have some mutations different than our mutations.

So, there it is. Our most menacing enemy – mutations – is also our greatest hope.

In our DNA is both the capacity to destroy other human beings and indeed the entire world, as well as the capacity to propagate deep compassion. Each of us has both a peacemaker and warlord inside, encoded by invisible double helices. Every species evolves from one original mutant. Choose your mate carefully, but more importantly and predictably, cultivate your own wiring wisely. With less competitive tribalism and self-righteousness, and more adventurous wonderment about mutant otherness.

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Neil D. 2023-08-07

A tale of romance: Joe, Becky, Corrine, & a motorcycle

Once upon a time in a small town, there lived a charming man named Joe. Joe was known for his adventurous spirit and his love for motorcycles. He would often be seen riding through the winding roads, his black leather jacket glistening in the sun and his hair blowing in the wind.

Becky, a kind-hearted and free-spirited woman, had always admired Joe’s passion for motorcycles. She would often watch him from her porch as he zoomed past, a twinkle of excitement in her eyes. She dreamed of one day riding alongside him, feeling the rush of the wind against her face.

Meanwhile, Corrine, a beautiful and confident woman, was drawn to Joe’s rebellious nature. She loved the way he fearlessly embraced life and was always up for new adventures. She couldn’t help but feel a magnetic pull towards him, and she knew she had to find a way to capture his attention.

One sunny afternoon, fate intervened as Joe’s motorcycle broke down near Becky’s house. Frustrated, he decided to take a break and approached Becky for assistance. Becky, overjoyed at the opportunity to spend time with her secret crush, eagerly offered her help.

As they worked together to fix the motorcycle, Becky’s knowledge and passion for motorcycles impressed Joe. He was captivated by her genuine interest and enthusiasm. They spent hours talking about their shared love for two-wheeled adventures, forming a deep connection.

Meanwhile, Corrine had been watching the whole scene unfold from a distance. Determined not to be left behind, she decided to make her move. She approached Joe, her eyes sparkling with confidence, and proposed a challenge.

“I bet I can beat you in a motorcycle race,” Corrine said, flashing a mischievous smile.

Joe, always up for a challenge, couldn’t resist. He accepted, not realizing that Corrine had little experience with motorcycles. On the day of the race, Joe and Corrine gathered at the starting line, their motorcycles revving with anticipation.

Becky, who had been hesitant to voice her feelings, couldn’t bear the thought of Joe being with someone else. She knew she had to act. With a surge of determination, she joined the race. The unexpected twist surprised both Joe and Corrine.

As the race began, Joe and Becky quickly left Corrine in their dust. But it wasn’t the race that caught their attention; it was the way they felt when they were riding side by side. In that moment, they knew they were meant to be together.

The race ended with Joe and Becky crossing the finish line, their hearts pounding with excitement. Joe turned to Becky, a smile spreading across his face.

“You were amazing out there,” he said, his voice full of admiration. “I can’t believe I didn’t see what was right in front of me all along.”

Becky blushed, her eyes shining with happiness. “I’ve always admired you from afar. Riding with you today was a dream come true.”

Corrine, witnessing the blossoming love between Joe and Becky, realized she had misjudged their connection. She gracefully accepted defeat, knowing that sometimes love takes its own course.

From that day forward, Joe and Becky embarked on countless motorcycle adventures together, their love growing stronger with each passing day. And as for Corrine, she found her own love in the form of a passionate painter who appreciated her adventurous spirit.

And so, the tale of the romantic Joe, Becky, and Corrine, and a motorcycle, taught them that sometimes love can be found in unexpected places, and that the journey is often as beautiful as the destination.

Tibetan monks laugh at neuroscientists

[1-minute read]

The purpose of Tibetan meditation is to cultivate a perpetual mindset of compassion – toward themselves, toward others, toward suffering, toward rocks, and toward the entire universe and existence as a whole.

A few decades ago, the Dalai Lama invited
a former hippie-turned-Harvard-neuroscientist to demonstrate brain imaging technology of compassion-evoking stimuli to 200 monks seated on the floor of a temple, waiting patiently for the team of several scientists huddled around a teammate seated in a chair – so not visible to the quiet, patiently-waiting audience during this preparation.

Wires and detectors and gadgets also shielded the subject from the silent onlookers as they worked.

When ready, the curtain of teammates parted, revealing the seated subject to the whole temple.

The entire audience broke into laughter.

The neuroscientist and his team presumed it was because the subject does look silly, all wired up with harnesses and technologies the monks may have never seen before. But later, they were informed what was so funny.

“You are trying to study compassion by connecting wires to the brain,” not the heart.

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[For his own story, start ~4:23 into this podcast: “Hidden Brain: Seeking Serenity: Part 2” June 8, 2023 https://hiddenbrain.org/podcast/seeking-serenity-part-2/ ]

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Neil D. 2023-07-08

PS – Additional food for thought:

We might be tempted to think of the following expressions as figurative, metaphorical language: “A broken heart,” or, “a heavy heart,” or, a Brené Brown favorite, “wholehearted.” The efficacy of myths and metaphors depends on them being rooted in actual experience.

The heart is the bodily location where these emotions are felt. Trying to soothe or heal this location with the brain… well… The head might be the starting place, but what is in that head is intimately and, literally, physically wired to the heart. Talk and thinking may be an entry point, but not the destination.