In relationships, “settling” is a bad word

In relationships, settling is a bad word… so we often live in denial, and instead believe in, or chase, a dream free of any demand that we settle for an imperfect mate. Or we measure ourselves against that dream as failures, and wonder if there is greener grass elsewhere.

So some partners cheat. Others may wish they had the depravity to cheat; instead they may just ‘quit.’ And who’s to say that when one quits, the other is so wrong to cheat? Is halfhearted participation in a relationship already a form of cheating? Can you really cheat in a relationship that doesn’t actually exist?

Here’s what the evidence says about settling, and it’s rationally pretty indisputable (but we practice hopeful denial anyway)…

No relationship has perfect balances.

Perfect balances in sexual desire

Perfect balances in how to spend time together

Perfect balances in time needed away from the partner

Perfect balances in how to spend money

Perfect balances in how to treat and react to family

And, especially, perfect balance in who “gives more to the relationship”

Whether “greater” balance is the goal, and settling is the enemy, what happens to marriages?

Half of them end in divorce. Period.
So why the hell do we give any credence whatsoever to advice about balance?! Or settling? It seems to be right only half the time – which are the odds of a goddamn coin toss.

Notice we are talking about settling, and balance, here. The ideal notion of balance is 50-50. Anything else is imbalanced. Do you find it curious that the success rate in marriage is 50-50?

We want to hide our head in the sand when it comes to that distressing statistic. We want to believe we are in the half which will succeed.

Have you ever wondered how many of the lasting 50% survive because they accept and tolerate settling? Do you think it’s because they generally have a 50-50 balance? Ha!

Do you wonder if they altogether reject the notion of “settling”?

Do you wonder if settling (or balancing) is not even a word in the vocabulary of their relationship mindset?

In popular psychology – even if it doesn’t have directly to do with relationships – you hear vocabularies like: “Partners in relationship need to set and respect boundaries… need to give-and-take… need to compromise.” Generally, these imply we can get more of our needs met, but how is that done without our partner settling? Maybe they need to take less and give more. What if they say the same about us?

Just as there can’t be giving without taking, how can there be taking without giving?

It seems wise to say that a relationship needs balance. But, who is the arbiter of that balance? If it’s not me who gets to define that balance, then I sense an imbalance. If it’s not my partner who gets to set that balance, then my partner feels an imbalance. So we need to balance the balancing🙄

In the end, it seems both need to settle in some circumstances, at some times, about some things. So, why the hell does settling taste like such a bad word?

Those of us who fear we are in the failing 50%, or who have actually experienced that failure, desperately want an answer to the question of settling. Actually, we are probably desperate for *any* answers that are simple enough. That’s what desperation does. It wants simplification. Desperation does not favor complexity, does it?

Maybe I too desperately want my partner to be someone they aren’t – someone else.

Maybe I too desperately want my partner to be simple while I desperately want to remain complex.

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Neil D. 2023-08-09

An Evolutionary Crossroad. An Inspirational Meme for Hope; Mutants in Evolution

Evolution and our DNA has wired us – involuntarily, as a matter of our biological survival as live organisms – not to lose favor with our pack, our tribe.

The people-pleasing instinct is an instinct to minimize the chance that our pack will ostracize us and we’ll face predators alone, which means we’ll fail because our biological defenses rely on a united front with others in our pack.

Today, we don’t often face such threats, but DNA rewiring throughout a species takes hundreds of generations, thousands of years or more. Individuals in whom this wiring is abnormal are called “mutants.” Literally. And yet no evolution – zero – happens without the preexistence of mutants.

The pleasing instinct is strong – so strong that our human species has evolved unusually fast. Homo sapiens is a species that’s maybe 1/4 million years old; that’s 250 thousand years. The horseshoe crab’s species is at least 250 million years old – 1000 times older. Even the dinosaurs couldn’t threaten the whole planet as immediately as we do now. Microbes like fungi, bacteria, and viruses cannot end all other life like we can.

Our biological wiring also underlies our dark sides. We don’t need to look deeply for this. If an alien studied the history of our species, they would summarize it in 3 easy letters. W. A. R.

War is fueled by tribalism – our hardwired belief that we are better than “them.” Let’s stick together, no matter whether it involves eradicating other human beings of our own species who have some mutations different than our mutations.

So, there it is. Our most menacing enemy – mutations – is also our greatest hope.

In our DNA is both the capacity to destroy other human beings and indeed the entire world, as well as the capacity to propagate deep compassion. Each of us has both a peacemaker and warlord inside, encoded by invisible double helices. Every species evolves from one original mutant. Choose your mate carefully, but more importantly and predictably, cultivate your own wiring wisely. With less competitive tribalism and self-righteousness, and more adventurous wonderment about mutant otherness.

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Neil D. 2023-08-07

A tale of romance: Joe, Becky, Corrine, & a motorcycle

Once upon a time in a small town, there lived a charming man named Joe. Joe was known for his adventurous spirit and his love for motorcycles. He would often be seen riding through the winding roads, his black leather jacket glistening in the sun and his hair blowing in the wind.

Becky, a kind-hearted and free-spirited woman, had always admired Joe’s passion for motorcycles. She would often watch him from her porch as he zoomed past, a twinkle of excitement in her eyes. She dreamed of one day riding alongside him, feeling the rush of the wind against her face.

Meanwhile, Corrine, a beautiful and confident woman, was drawn to Joe’s rebellious nature. She loved the way he fearlessly embraced life and was always up for new adventures. She couldn’t help but feel a magnetic pull towards him, and she knew she had to find a way to capture his attention.

One sunny afternoon, fate intervened as Joe’s motorcycle broke down near Becky’s house. Frustrated, he decided to take a break and approached Becky for assistance. Becky, overjoyed at the opportunity to spend time with her secret crush, eagerly offered her help.

As they worked together to fix the motorcycle, Becky’s knowledge and passion for motorcycles impressed Joe. He was captivated by her genuine interest and enthusiasm. They spent hours talking about their shared love for two-wheeled adventures, forming a deep connection.

Meanwhile, Corrine had been watching the whole scene unfold from a distance. Determined not to be left behind, she decided to make her move. She approached Joe, her eyes sparkling with confidence, and proposed a challenge.

“I bet I can beat you in a motorcycle race,” Corrine said, flashing a mischievous smile.

Joe, always up for a challenge, couldn’t resist. He accepted, not realizing that Corrine had little experience with motorcycles. On the day of the race, Joe and Corrine gathered at the starting line, their motorcycles revving with anticipation.

Becky, who had been hesitant to voice her feelings, couldn’t bear the thought of Joe being with someone else. She knew she had to act. With a surge of determination, she joined the race. The unexpected twist surprised both Joe and Corrine.

As the race began, Joe and Becky quickly left Corrine in their dust. But it wasn’t the race that caught their attention; it was the way they felt when they were riding side by side. In that moment, they knew they were meant to be together.

The race ended with Joe and Becky crossing the finish line, their hearts pounding with excitement. Joe turned to Becky, a smile spreading across his face.

“You were amazing out there,” he said, his voice full of admiration. “I can’t believe I didn’t see what was right in front of me all along.”

Becky blushed, her eyes shining with happiness. “I’ve always admired you from afar. Riding with you today was a dream come true.”

Corrine, witnessing the blossoming love between Joe and Becky, realized she had misjudged their connection. She gracefully accepted defeat, knowing that sometimes love takes its own course.

From that day forward, Joe and Becky embarked on countless motorcycle adventures together, their love growing stronger with each passing day. And as for Corrine, she found her own love in the form of a passionate painter who appreciated her adventurous spirit.

And so, the tale of the romantic Joe, Becky, and Corrine, and a motorcycle, taught them that sometimes love can be found in unexpected places, and that the journey is often as beautiful as the destination.

Tibetan monks laugh at neuroscientists

[1-minute read]

The purpose of Tibetan meditation is to cultivate a perpetual mindset of compassion – toward themselves, toward others, toward suffering, toward rocks, and toward the entire universe and existence as a whole.

A few decades ago, the Dalai Lama invited
a former hippie-turned-Harvard-neuroscientist to demonstrate brain imaging technology of compassion-evoking stimuli to 200 monks seated on the floor of a temple, waiting patiently for the team of several scientists huddled around a teammate seated in a chair – so not visible to the quiet, patiently-waiting audience during this preparation.

Wires and detectors and gadgets also shielded the subject from the silent onlookers as they worked.

When ready, the curtain of teammates parted, revealing the seated subject to the whole temple.

The entire audience broke into laughter.

The neuroscientist and his team presumed it was because the subject does look silly, all wired up with harnesses and technologies the monks may have never seen before. But later, they were informed what was so funny.

“You are trying to study compassion by connecting wires to the brain,” not the heart.

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[For his own story, start ~4:23 into this podcast: “Hidden Brain: Seeking Serenity: Part 2” June 8, 2023 https://hiddenbrain.org/podcast/seeking-serenity-part-2/ ]

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Neil D. 2023-07-08

PS – Additional food for thought:

We might be tempted to think of the following expressions as figurative, metaphorical language: “A broken heart,” or, “a heavy heart,” or, a Brené Brown favorite, “wholehearted.” The efficacy of myths and metaphors depends on them being rooted in actual experience.

The heart is the bodily location where these emotions are felt. Trying to soothe or heal this location with the brain… well… The head might be the starting place, but what is in that head is intimately and, literally, physically wired to the heart. Talk and thinking may be an entry point, but not the destination.

Profane Everything Bagel

Friday before July 4th. The air train was packed. No, I mean really. As more people approached the doors, a guy proud of his bulletproof rollaboard laid it down and stood on it to make more space.

I thought, distance don’t get any more social than this.

Later in a terminal concourse, the McDonalds line was longer than the precheck security line back there.

I didn’t catch the name of my breakfast shop. Like 12 hangry people in a phone booth.

“Egg and bacon.”
What kind of bagel?
What do you have?
She points at a sign.

While she rings up my order…
Cook puts an unmarked bag on the counter.
What’s that?
What’d she say?
Dunno, didn’t understand a fucking thing.

Vat ye order, sir?
An everything with sausage.
It wasn’t in the next 2 bags. He was heating up.

I noticed the little boy couldn’t reach his gramma’s tea selection on the high counter. I handed it down, he said something I didn’t catch, and gramma winked at me in a foreign language I speak too.

She handed me my bag.
Thanks very much, eye to eye.
Ye velcome baddy mooch. Warm grin.

Six minutes later I sat and ate at my gate.
Probably 10 more people got their bagels and I am long forgotten. But maybe not. We had our moment. Feelings land deep and often linger.

I wonder where Heated Up was heading for his holiday. I hope he has moments when he understands his fucking everything❤️

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Neil D. 2023-06-30