Words. Nice. Depression. Fraud.

He asked, “Am I too nice?”

Words between people are tricky. Each person has a sense of what “nice” means. Many things in common with how other people think of that word. Many things different.

The word “depression” means different and similar things to each person. Great artists are the people among us who describe common meanings succinctly, and without so much precision that the ideas don’t become so specific as to not be generalizable.

She told us she was depressed. Each of us understands that in our own way, not any of us in her particular way. Perhaps these artistic words can be appreciated by her, as well as by each of us who have had the experience: “I am a flower quickly fading, Here today and gone tomorrow, A wave tossed in the ocean, A vapor in the wind.”

If she were to ask me, “Who am I?” I would choose that artist’s way of answering. She is someone whose name, hurt, doings, fallings, and internal storms are all captured in the singularity of one answer: https://youtu.be/3rT8Re1EIQc

…

“I am hardened & callous. It’s something I don’t see in myself until it’s pointed out after an exchange with someone, and sometimes not even then. It took years to build up, I guess, & now it’s just who I am…”

The story told in Matthew 16 is known to many as “Peter’s confession” that Jesus is the Christ. Dick and Jane are characters in books aimed at teaching children to read. To retell Peter’s confession in a way to be received with the heart of a child learning to read ultimate truth:

Jane asked Dick, “Who do people say that I am?”

Dick answered, “Some say you’re this person, or that person. People who like you say you are a good person. People who do not like you say you are a bad person.”

Then Jane asked Dick, “But who do YOU say that I am?”

“A good person,” answered Dick.

Jane moaned skeptically, “You only say I am good because you like me.”

After some thoughtful moments, Dick retorted, “Well… Yeah… I like you because you are a good person.”

When Jane went to sleep that night, she believed in her own goodness.

…

When we doubt our own goodness, it is helpful when others affirm it. But we do not fully believe in ourselves because of what anyone else says. If we believe in ourselves, it is a belief that originates inside of us, not because of outside opinions.

Often, our doubt is caused by the outside opinions of other people. Ironically, that same way of thinking doesn’t work when it comes to outside opinions that we are good. A sense of our own goodness must come from within.

No other person can see your inner heart from the outside. They cannot see the shame you hold in secret, yet that is what they tap into when they tell you you are bad. Consequently, it’s not hard to believe in our badness.

Even when you do some things which have the appearance – as seen from the outside – of good motives, you know your inner ulterior motives. Some people can live most of their lives imitating goodness. You yourself have a clever mind that can trick you into believing that ACTING in kind and loving ways makes you kind and loving authentically.

In each instance that we are conscious of our fraud, we doubt our own authentic goodness. That doubt can cast over you a dark shadow even when you authentically do pour out goodness from inside of you. Consequently,…

When someone tells you that you are bad, you do not reject that proposal in its entirety. There is a kernel of truth in their proposal. This is the curse of the human condition. But it is also a gift…

When you see the world too rigidly in black-and-white, you bemoan your own imperfection. But when you allow for even more than 50 shades of gray, you can see clearly your soul’s connection to every soul. If you do not believe that you are a mixture of your mind’s artificial constructs of good and bad, then you believe it has to be all or nothing. And you will also judge every other person with that same rigidity.

The good camp will be empty, and the bad camp will be overcrowded, unless you create some artificial scale with a threshold that tips some people into the good camp, despite their also having some badness. If absolutely everyone is in the bad camp, why not relabel it the good camp? I think the better question is, Why label the camp at all? All are connected. In their goodness and their badness.

Yes, I understand it is some tricky or deep matter of philosophy or brainwashing, but these ways of thinking should challenge us about whether badness authentically exists at all. If you do think that badness exists, it is not possible to escape this way of thinking. And the only way to escape its consequences is to create some fantasy that some sacrifice of Jesus tricks God into judging all of us positively. Then you can believe in Jesus even if you can’t believe in yourself. So, now, in this light, if you think you “know Jesus Christ,” do you think these fantasies and tricks are His Way?

“No, no, Neil. We have a choice.” Poppycock. That is a very human way of thinking that we project onto God. God’s love for you does not depend on your choices. That is the judgmental love of humans. That is ego thinking, not soul thinking. Your soul cannot be lost by you, no matter how many bad choices you make. It is always there. And your soul is divine. God is always there. Always loving. Not loving to reciprocate for our good acts. Loving first. Not responsively or reactively or judgmentally.

I think Yeshua had followers because of how he treated the followers, not how – or because – they “chose” him.

If the love of Jesus did not precede (pre-seed) all else, who would turn to him at all?

If love is something we earn and bestow in return, where does this circle originate?

With YOU. It rises up from the kingdom of heaven inside you, at hand. It is your nature. Your nature is divine. And divine nature is to love first, not in response, and not by imitation. And that is why, as he walked his way to Golgotha, he did not ask for our tears, but suggested we “weep for ourselves and for our children.” Weep for the child within you. As he does. Because, first, you are good. First, you are loved. THAT kind of love is the authentic kind. https://cac.org/a-hopeful-foundation-2021-10-24/. And THAT we know inside our hearts.

Who am I? I am yours. You chose me, not based on my choices. You choose me for the very *sake* of my choices. So that I *have* authentic freedom to choose. And if I choose to believe in your way, it seems, I must choose to love my own self. Like you. And to authentically love others from my inside, like you.

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Neil D. 2021-10-23

Want justice?

We tend not to consciously question our cultural institutions – built upon power, in the form of respect or money.

When/if we sometimes wake up and are conscious, we often speak out “against,” as “anti-” and consequently view ourselves as members in protest groups of one stripe or another. The charters of these institutional tribes are, ostensibly, “for” something, but even then, cannot escape their roots “against” something.

This seems to be the way of our species and our institutions. Power. Which involves competition and survival of the fittest, winning and losing. And we are so largely asleep to the way those patterns of thought and action influence us as individual, unique, single human beings.

Power, respect, competition, and bargaining to win… These subconscious programs of our institutions are assimilated by individual human beings, leading to divisiveness within families, friendships, and romantic partnerships.

Whether injustices we suffer are institutional or personal, individual persons eventually see themselves as suffering victims, and the natural response is to formulate explanations. “I was brought up in a dysfunctional family. I suffered childhood trauma. She is a manipulative people-pleaser. He is a narcissist. They are lazy and think they are entitled. They are toxic people…”

Even our indignantly righteous religious institutions do the same. “They are ungodly. He is an infidel. She is a sinner. Only our one true faith has the sacraments that can keep you out of hell…”

Seems we are more “against” going to hell than we are “for” going to heaven.

Dole out blame, pass around blame, even take some blame up on your own self… That game stinks (“Shitty blame boardgame“)

We are all, of course, broken in our own way. When our identity feels lost, therapists have us investigate our “core values.” Why? Because, in a culture where identities are mostly shaped “against” things, we unconsciously lose what we are “for.” Seem dubious? Try it. Try composing a personal charter about what you stand for, without implying – by hopeless necessity – what you stand against.

If you think that your “faith” gets you through hard times, or has gotten you through stretches of deep suffering, I encourage you to challenge yourself more deeply. If you have nominally Christian faith based on your religious institution and/or institutionalized scripture, have you considered the possibility that those sources are not faithful to their namesake in any recognizable form?

“The way to do justice is to live simply, to not cooperate with consumerism, with militarism, with all the games that have us trapped. Jesus just does it differently, ignoring unjust systems and building up a better system… The best criticism of the bad is the practice of the better. He’s showing us ‘We’re just going to do it better. Let’s not be anti-anything. Let’s be *for* something: for life, and for universal love.'” – Richard Rohr

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Neil D. 2021-10-22

Embrace your pain?

I’d like to humbly encourage you, in the form of discouragement:

Don’t let anyone try to talk you out of your pain.

Own it. Get to know it. Intimately. It is exclusively and personally yours. It is one thing you can have all to yourself.

Many people don’t want to hear about it. Many people want to fix it so that they don’t have to watch you bear it, because they might then pay attention to their own pain.

Some kinds of people always pay attention to the pain of others at the expense of their own. Perhaps you are like that also. Either way…

Your pain wants to be known and owned.

Your pain does not like loneliness.

When we are honest with ourselves, we know we cannot run away from our pain. No matter how long we keep running, it is still there.

We should also know that “stronger” doesn’t mean more impervious to pain.

When we want stronger muscles, we might lift weights so that we can carry heavier burdens. What muscles carry pain? Your heart is a pretty impressive muscle. Exercise it.

If your heart has been bruised or broken or wounded, you may think it is too weak to carry your pain. But that’s “thinking,” and uses a different ‘muscle’ than your heart.

We can borrow thoughts, and pretend they are our own.

When it comes to the heart, though, we cannot borrow or pretend.

We can harden our heart, hoping it will suffer no more pain. But that hardened barrier also keeps the pain inside. And we know hardened arteries are not healthy. Neither is a hardened heart. It is not stronger; it is more brittle.

The only one who can know your pain intimately is you. And, oh my, we know with certainty that our pain aches to be known. Give your pain your love. Give your pain your compassion. Have a self-pity party.

We permit self-pity to shame us because we are acculturated to avoid pain. Pity is a very strong and clear signal that you have avoided your pain for too long. Maybe the people closest to you did not want to be intimate with your pain. And when you are close to them, you yourself are discouraged from being intimate with your pain.

Blaming others for your pain is irresistible if you perceive yourself too weak to carry it. But that’s a game no one ever wins (https://feelwithneil.com/2020/11/24/shitty-blame-boardgame/).

Blame all you wish, but no one else will carry your pain for you.

So perhaps now you are alone with your pain. That IS what your pain wants. Your full attention.

Be intimate with it. Love it. That is what it wants. Lift it up in your tender arms and console it. As you do, notice yourself, lifting it and holding it.

You are NOT too weak to carry your pain. You ARE carrying it – always have been, and always will be. I would discourage you from trying to forget that. It is yours. All yours. And it wants to be yours and yours alone. Self-love and self compassion begin here.

The following exercise struck me as ridiculous and corny also. But, I didn’t have to do it many times to feel its deep and lasting impact. And it helps to revisit it periodically.

In quiet solitude, sit across from a couch pillow as your pain. Study its physical details. Then have a chat, and speak to it, speak for it, and *listen*, to both of you.

What are you? “I am your pain.”

How big are you?

Where do you live, physically and literally, inside my body? Give me a moment to locate you and feel you.

Where do you want to go? “Nowhere. Nowhere different than, or apart from, you.”

What do you want?
“To be noticed. To be loved. Not to be ignored. To be picked up, right now, and held in your arms against your heart.”

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Neil D. 2021-10-02

Rohr on mammon. Comparison

I think the best single-word, familiar synonym for “mammon” in this article is “comparison,” in the sense of “keeping up with the Joneses.”

“Do I need more/better status symbol stuff?”

“I want the best for my children, family, self, etc.”

But as the author explains, it is comparison beyond material. It includes power.

“Am I doing everything I can to get this promotion?”

“Have I not been ambitious enough?”

“Have I set boundaries and spoken my truth?”

And if, in comparison to wealth-lust, power-lust is subtle for you, then this kind of comparison is likely to be also:

“Is s/he more giving than I am? I need to up my game of giving…”

“I’m the one in this household who has worked the hardest to bring home the most.”

“I’m the one in this partnership who does all the house work.”

“I am the one in this extended family who hosts all the holidays.”

“I have sacrificed as much as my partner has, and deserve his/her reciprocity…”

“Don’t I get some points for that?”

And lastly, most perilous of all,…

“I’m a good person morally.”

“I follow God’s Commandments and my religion’s guidelines and practices…”

“Haven’t I done enough to earn God’s mercy, etc.?”

“I haven’t lied to others, my self, or God about all of my secrets that I have stuffed into my Shadow of shame…”

This obsession with comparison, achievement, superiority, etc. is deeply embedded in our culture, so contaminates every corner of our mind. Even what we think are praiseworthy notions, like self-improvement, are about this kind of comparison.

“Be better today than I was yesterday,” seems praiseworthy. But I do not agree. Eventually, even if we start out with all good intentions, self improvement leads to the expectation that others should be improving themselves also. “No, Neil, that’s not true. I am just focused on myself.” Perhaps for now. But I beg you to be honest with yourself.

For nearly all of us poisoned by this cultural mindset, we are honestly at a complete loss if we take away this goal of constant improvement. It’s as if we have no meaning or purpose in life if that is not it.

In closing, here are some quotes from the article; test your self-honesty with them, and perhaps plan a self-improvement goal to shed denial:

“’You cannot serve God and mammon’ (Luke 16:13). Mammon was the god of wealth, money, superficiality, and success.”

“Mammon becomes then a source of disorder because people allow it to make a claim on them that only God can make.”

“To participate in the reign of God, we have to stop counting. We have to stop weighing, measuring, and deserving in order to let love flow through us. The love of God can’t be doled out by any process whatsoever. We can’t earn it. We can’t lose it. As long as we stay in this world of earning and losing, we’ll live in perpetual resentment, envy, or climbing.”

“You cannot move around inside the world of Infinite Grace and Mercy, and at the same time be counting and measuring with your overly defensive and finite little mind.”

“The reign of God is a worldview of abundance. God lifts us up from a worldview of scarcity to infinity. God’s love is nothing less than infinite.”

Never, ever will our expectations of reciprocity satisfy us. There is absolutely universal evidence for this among every human being. If we hold anyone to the standard of performance achievement, even if it is our own self, we will be perpetually disappointed. Denial of that is death. You, I, and our enemies are loved infinitely, passionately, and with no conditions whatsoever; and we did not earn that.

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Neil D. 2021-09-20

I *am* being loved (Richard Rohr & Ilia Delio)

Sometimes when things feel a little grim to me, I forget.

“…we tend to break down and start controlling things: ‘If I go this way, I’m going to get lost. Well, what if it’s wrong? What will happen to me?’ Well, what will happen to you? Something will happen. But guess what? Something’s going to happen whether or not you go… It’s not like we’ve got this, ‘Here’s God; here’s us. God’s just waiting till we get our act together and then we’ll all be well.’ That’s a boring God; that’s not even God. God is alive.” [https://cac.org/love-is-all-there-is-2021-09-16/]

That’s not the Host of the party I’m at.

“We need to unwire ourselves to recognize that the God of Jesus Christ is, you might say, the power beneath our feet, the depth of the beauty of everything that exists, and the future into which we are moving.” [https://cac.org/love-is-all-there-is-2021-09-16/]

I’ve once put it this way:

“’God loves me,’ feels like God — as a third-person subject — is an idealization, or objectification, external to me, out there, elsewhere; and I’m just a passive object. Doesn’t feel right.
‘I am being loved,’ feels more intimate, warm, breathing with aliveness. ‘Am being.’ More present. Has more action. Evokes a sense of arms actively enfolding me, or my head being drawn to rest in a bosom. Passionate, at this moment, in the present…” [More at source]

What a wonderful party, “even when it hurts.”

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Neil D. 2021-09-16