I’d like to give us all a gentle and encouraging reminder not to put too much weight on words.
What we understand about the word “psychology” today has evolved gradually, and pretty recently, compared to older sciences. There’s a very active debate about applying the word “science” to psychology. Reasonable psychologists are the first ones to admit that the “truths” and vocabulary they use is more complicated and less precise than so-called “harder sciences.” I think that’s important for us to keep in mind when we learn new words and concepts in psychology about ourselves and others.
There’s a sense of empowerment we get from learning new words and vocabulary because we can communicate feelings like we couldn’t before. The new lexicon helps us be more concise, but let’s not mistake more “concise” for more *precise.*
If something weighs 2 pounds, it cannot weigh 3 pounds. That’s precise. Someone can be a wonderful person and be an addict, both. Therefore, *neither* is precise.
So when we use terms like alcoholic, insecure attachment, gaslighting, people pleaser, narcissist… Let’s be mindful that none of these can describe a person precisely at all. A person is far too complex to capture in any listing of characteristics or labels.
It’s liberating to finally perceive ourselves as victims of victimizers – very powerful for initiating healing. But strengthening our attachment to labels builds a habit that is hard to let go of, after the start of healing has passed and the deeper and darker phases await.
If you’ve been victimized by some form of manipulation, be careful not to cling too tightly to ideas of victimization and manipulation. They divide complex human beings into good and bad camps – victims and victimizers. While useful to understand our wounds and initiate healing, that dualistic characterization has to be let go of, surrendered, and dissolved, if our own wounds are to heal.
For us to grow into any sense of wholeness demands a painfully honest look at how we ourselves – in our fullness – have been victimizers. In fact, playing the role of victim is its own form of manipulation; that leaves us complicit in our own victimization.
To heal wounds, our self-awareness must grow to recognize what a wound is. I think if we are honest about our inner work to grow more self-aware, we inevitably recognize how we have victimized countless people in our lives. I don’t think it is possible for awareness to grow without stumbling upon our own hypocrisy.
How can you have compassion for your own self without realizing that you victimize your own self?
Watch out for labels. Watch out for vocabulary that seems concise when it comes to the good-and-bad of relationships.
Concise is not precise.
It’s normal to be a bean-counter when it comes to understanding how we have been victimized. It’s normal to say or think, “I’m not perfect, but they are evil – at least more evil than I.” The only reason I was mean or manipulative was to retaliate.
Don’t get stuck by labeling yourself too long or too strongly. And don’t get stuck by labeling anyone else either. Including your victimizers. That’s an imaginary world, and if you are seeking healing, and you are seeking growth in awareness of who you are, imagination has its role, but is not the destination.
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Neil D. 2023-11-05
Feel with Neil 