What occurs to me more and more often is how enormous I am. How much power I have in my own little world. How much potential I have that I myself do not even recognize and I am not aware of. More and more, it is astounds me how enormous my power is.
My youngest sister shares fond memories of me for my birthday. I cry. I always have when she has done that. More and more, now, though, I sob more deeply and widely. You see, most of the events that she shares about me, I do not remember. This is true when anyone shares a distant memory involving me. I remember so very little compared to the storyteller. And that is what makes me sob more and more. I am not profoundly saddened because I have a shitty memory per se, but because I remember so little of the profound pain and suffering I *must* have caused. To so many. So deeply.
…
I was, am, and will be so much more enormous than even I can ever grasp. I have done enormously good things. And I have done enormously bad things.
I have been, am, and will be enormous. Outside time, I am good and bad. Inside time lies the now, and the future. My memory likely won’t improve:)! More and more, I hope my enormousness tips toward good.
Neil D. 2025-02-28
Feel with Neil 