I saw a post:
“People who consistently and consciously hurt you do not deserve more chances.
They deserve less access.”
I entirely encourage defending ourselves in the vulnerable states many of us may be in.
I also think what we “deserve” is the trickiest question in our lives; it exploits our cultural inability to confront the foolish futility of “entitlement” mentality.
I think it’s fair to assume that any outsider could look at our failed relationships and spin the tale that it was senses of entitlement which were central to the downfalls. The narcissist feels entitled because he is grand. The pleaser feels entitled because she has given everything to the relationship.
Transactionalism, quid pro quo, give-and-take… these are the building blocks of codependency. Compromise and balance are mortar in the bricks.
After our failed relationships built on codependency, it should be no surprise that we seek the secret formulas of compromise and balance – if that is how we want to be in our next relationship.
What if we got love wrong? What if it’s none of these things.
We are entitled to that transactional “form” of love no more than anyone is entitled to receive that form of love from us. It’s unrealistic to believe we are capable of the required balance, so it’s unrealistic to believe a partner is.
Wisdom writers call undeserved love “grace.” When giving involves conditions, it’s not unconditional.
So many of us feel unable to love our own selves because we also do not feel entitled to (deserving of) love from anyone – self included.
I can’t see room for entitlement conditions in authentic love any longer.
I can’t see the covenant of marriage as a transactional contract any longer: That promise is invariably worded to love without conditions til death.
It’s plainly evident that that was a promise half of us could not keep before; our hearts long for it to be one we now can. After all, it is the foundation of the faith of many that they are loved unconditionally by a Higher Someone by grace, not because of what they have earned or deserve. Any faith founded on certainty absent doubt is not faith! Yet there’s a sense of steadfastness in believing in our lovability – by Another.
To long after an unfailing formula of balance and compromise and give-and-take is to long for certainty. To long for entitlement. Not faith.
Without faith, I cannot honestly – deep down – believe I am loved (https://feelwithneil.com/2020/05/28/i-am-being-loved/)
The longing is a longing. Certitude terminates it. When the longing goes, faith goes. Faith is “Aching To Know”
…
“People who consistently and consciously hurt you do not deserve more chances.
They deserve less access.”
Warning: Have you consistently and consciously hurt yourself? I sure as hell have and do. Do I deserve no more chances, no more access, to my self?
Is egocentric self defense masquerading as self compassion fatal? “How we do one thing is how we do everything.”
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Neil D. 2023-08-29
Feel with Neil 