[3 minute read]
“I got this…” as in, I’ll handle this. Truthfully, I am in poor condition to handle anything.
I’m a little hypersensitive to my shame right now, so “setting boundaries” is a hard notion right now. Setting them takes some hardness, and I’m feeling a lot of softness. I’m growing more aware of how tired I am of judgment. It’s exhausting to judge others, and pretty damn draining to judge my own self too.
So I’m hypersensitive to judgment. Someone today told a terrible story about very nasty hurt they experienced, and some subsequent shame for not having called out their transgressor. They were later advised that they “should” have – in a nice way – called the act “mean” when it happened. In my current state, hypersensitized to judgment, I would see even that boundary exertion as casting a judgment back on the transgressor. So is there nothing that “should” be done?
A few angels in my life have recently used the expression “voice my truth.” To label someone else’s act as “mean” is not the full honesty of your own truth. For me, it’s a little too much about them. Your own truth is that you feel hurt. Why do we so seldom voice just that? When we are being hurt, why don’t we just say to our transgressor and anyone else present,￼￼ “This is hurting me.”
Two probable reasons come to my mind. First, that would express vulnerability, and that’s a no-no, because I am strong. Or because I “should” be strong. According to social conditioning. And – being successfully conditioned – that’s a no-no according to my own values. When I fall short of my own values, that’s called shame. I blame society for my shame, all you bastards out there:-)
The second possibility is that we expect the world to read our mind. More poignantly, to discern the depth of our hurt. You should know you are being mean and hurting me. I shouldn’t have to say it. I’m afraid I see that too as another form of deception. Deceiving one’s self, and deceiving others.
When I was a child, I had no problem expressing hurt. And I didn’t have to do it while also casting judgment. I could sulk away and cry. It was up to my transgressor to judge their own self. And nowadays, when I am the transgressor, I do a pretty damn deep job of judging my own self. I guess “I got this…”
My wish for you today: Find your voice and speak your truth to transgressors: “This is hurting me…” Anyone can argue and deny your judgment of them. But no one can deny your own feelings. Except… ??? You know who.
Use your voice. Your child’s voice. The cry and tears that leave judgment to the transgressors themselves. It’s neither accident nor triviality that we are called “children” of God. Unlearn the rules of adulthood. Shed judgmentalism. Live from the child within, re-discovered:
“We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.”
[T. S. Eliot’s Little Gidding]
Please, leave a comment. Can we spark a movement to shift social conditioning scripts away from ineffective, retaliatory expressions of our pain? Interestingly, I think, “This is hurting me,” is also a more gently practicable means of self-compassion.
Neil D. 2020-03-28 [>103,000 Covid-19 reports in the US; 1,598 (~2%) of them have died. God have mercy.]